Humans in sci-fi: Stupid artificial beings LOL. They don’t have FEELINGS, so you can treat them like SHIT
Humans in real life: I put googly eyes on my toaster. His name is James now, and I will protect him with my LIFE
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I had sex with a girl who had the big holes in her ear lobes once
It was just once, because using them as reins isn’t cool, apparently
I was 17 before I realized that the reason the ocean is salty is not “because of something I did.” Thanks Dad.
An amish party in the desert called churning man.
Twitter announced today that they’ve lost 134 million dollars this year. I don’t know if they want us to look for it or what the deal is.
if I was kate middleton I would tweet “they got me” and then log off
I ain’t cray-cray, I’m inappro-pro.
Detective: I’m gonna need an interpreter, who killed that man
Frat boy: bruh like straight up this dude low key swooped in here, yeeted his life away and skeeted
Interpreter: I can’t help u dude
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
When watching an action movie with your spouse make sure to say things like… “Oh yeah right,” and “that could never happen.” This way, they know you are fully present.
been making the same muffin recipe forever and tonight I finally remembered it by heart. I can’t express how good it felt to know exactly what to do and how disgusting they tasted because I forgot the eggs.
I locked myself out of my office twice already today. I guess Mercury definitely in rubbermaid.
Them: did I tell you about [such & such] ?
Me: Yes
(No they had not)
Murderer: What are you in for?
Her: Licking ice cream.
Murderer: That had better be a euphemism.
Thanks for keeping your Instagram account private. I’d hate for those pictures of your lunch to fall into the wrong hands.
*puts on sports bra*
Well, that’s enough exercise for today…
A person becomes 10 times more attractive not by their looks but by photoshop
I’ve finally figured out why I can’t lose this extra weight. The shampoo I use in shower that runs down my body says, “4 extra volume & body
[guy about to invent monopoly]
*looking at friends* i have too many of these
Pigeon: the distance a pig travels in one eon
What was the point in making your car louder, bro?
Do you really want women to turn their heads and notice you drive a 1999 Honda Civic?
My dog, every day, brings out a shoe, a shoe of mine in my current shoe rotation, and won’t let it go until I give her a bully stick. It’s extortion!
Not sure who’s a bigger idiot at this jury duty.
The guy who committed [redacted] or the moron next to me who put a 6 2x in a row of sudoku.
Dolphin son: dad, how did you know mom was the one
Dolphin dad: the first time I met her we just clicked
Debbie on Facebook tagged me in some game and said “don’t disappoint me” so I blocked her.
The hardest part of parenting is, and I can’t stress this enough, the kids.
Sending an insult with a typo is like laughing at someone for tripping and falling and then tripping and falling right front of them.
You don’t scare me. You’re not an undetectable patch of ice on a 70 mph expressway.
Me: how about a sexy rendezvous?
Him: did you just pronounce it ren-dezz-vuss?
Me: we’re texting
Him: I heard it
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
my husband, who did not grow up with dogs, just came to me very worried because the dog is not eating her food, but is begging for his, so “something must be wrong with her food, she’s clearly hungry but only wants mine”