Gang Leader: If you wanna join, you need to prove you’re fearless
Me: People ask me to social events and I actually go
Gang Leader: *takes step back* holy shit
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Our friend in New Zealand wished my 8yo a happy birthday the night before her birthday. I tried explaining time zones to her but all she heard is Liz is from the future.
The problem with hiding snacks from my kid is that when I forget they end up being hidden from me too
7: My teacher gave me a Christmas card but it’s cursed
Me: That… seems strange
7: That’s how they used to write in the olden days
What this place needs is a revival of the narrator tweets.
Narrator: No, that’s the last thing this place needs.
MyFitnessPal:
“If every day were like today, in 5 weeks, you’d weigh…”
ONE METRIC TON!!
Wait is Venmo down too?? Venmo me I’m curious
Seasons are confusing in Los Angeles. Time to pull out my winter sundress.
Parenthood is where you spend 18 years saying no all because of that one critical time you said yes.
By now you know I’ve attempted some radical experiments with the unrivaled packaging of the ‘peanut butter cup.’ Of course, my ‘ham cup’ was a colossal failure. Yet I didn’t give up, but doubled down! And now I can reveal my new creation. I present to you, The Bar-B-Que Ham Tub!
So a baby crawls across the floor to its bottle and it’s cute but when I do it I’m “in need of an intervention”?
I named my third child Pi, because having that many kids seemed irrational.
My therapist advised me to feed and water my kids and cook my plants 3 meals a day.
And something about listening.
Installed a new high-tech toilet. It’s now holding my bathroom hostage and demanding a Wi-Fi password.
Film producer: You’re a terrible scriptwriter.
I disagree. Me:
I just deleted the same tweet twice for two different typos and now I can’t tweet it again because it’s already been stolen
2020: Your package is on the way. It will arrive between Monday and Thursday of 2021.
Face down, ass up, that’s the way I like to… get the stupid cat toys out from underneath all of my furniture.
2019: Tumblr blinks offline, satisfied, having completed its mission of collecting all existing TV and film footage as GIF files.
KANGAROO(tasting beer) *sips* This is too hoppy for me
[BrewMaster] I thought youd love “hoppy” beer lol
[Kangaroo] (sternly) That’s racist
Once a guy pisses me off, I cancel their whole age group.
Currently accepting men aged 53, 74, and 98.
[at the salad bar]
Me: [gets one piece of lettuce]
[adds cottage cheese]
[adds more cottage cheese]
[adds even more cottage cheese]
[throws a $100 bill at the cashier and leaves with salad on a forklift]
I bet jellyfish are sad that there are no peanut butter fish.
No YOU’VE been drinking.
Every time I eat a banana in public, a stranger offers me money to do it in private.
I ate 32 bananas today & made $725.
I have diarrhea.
“Dark Side Tech Support.”
“Hi. My hand lightning won’t work. The hate’s flowing thru me, but nada.”
“Try turning the hate off & on again.”
What do we want?
Cheese.
When do we want it?
I already ate it.
Coworker: Guess what I’m doing this weekend.
Me: No
“Hey, boo”
– a casual ghost
“I feel like I got off on the wrong foot.” – Star of a foot fetish flick criticizing his performance
repaired
As a baby I took my son Caden to the park. Other kids there were Aiden Jayden Brayden & Ben. The parents that named Ben should get an award.