Nothing’s sadder than the look on my dog’s face when I reach under the kitchen table to pet her and she realizes my hand is empty.
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Sometimes I feel driving over Beliebers, but then I’m like, “what is wrong with me??” because I just got my car washed.
I wish I could say the massive bruise on my leg is from Kickboxing class, but no. It’s from a door hitting me on a windy day as I walked into a burger joint.
Make her feel like she’s the only woman on earth. Because nothing makes women happier than feeling like all other women are dead.
My 3 year old reported seeing a spider-cricket and I couldn’t find it so we’re outside watching the house burn.
[job int]
“& what are your areas of weakness?”
[leans in so close my nose touches the interviewers]
“I don’t like people touching my nose.”
me: how can i reduce the amount of grass in my yard?
friend: lawn mower?
me: no, i want lawn lesser.
Its funny how your parents tell you its their house, but as soon as something needs cleaning, it magically becomes yours too.
“If only children came with instructions,” the witch lamented while preheating the oven
Whenever I read the word “female” on twitter, in my head I pronounce it like “tamale”.
*first date*
Her: I’m a bit of a night owl
Me: Surely as most owls are nocturnal then it’s just an owl
H: Well, aren’t you a hoot
me: i know things haven’t been going well, but I think if we have a kid together, we can turn this around
boss: you’re still fired
A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.
Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs.
Cashier: That’ll be 15 clams.
Me: *opening cooler full of shellfish* Do you have change for a lobster?
I said something about March 31st and my husband said, “Honey, there aren’t 31 days in March.”
Friends, with the most-bro-is-always-right smirk, he pulled his phone out to fact check my ass and then said, “Ha Ha Just Kidding! You know I was kidding right? It was a joke.”
Me(being handcuffed): Oh, now it’s illegal to throw a house warming party?
Cop: For the last time, it’s called arson.
My son meets his online girlfriend today, so here’s to hoping she’s the anime loving e-girl of his dreams and not some guy named Steve.
When the executioner asks me what my final words are I’m just going to start filibustering.
According to my 5yo “food is not okay to eat if it’s been on the floor for 3 hours” so I guess it’s now the 3 hour rule
First time flying huh?
-Yeah how could you tell?
Just a hunch. You wanna come down to your seat? The overhead bin is typically for luggage.
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
‘I know a black person’
– White people
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!
Me: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.
Me: I know every word of the Golden Girls theme song!
Job interviewer:…and a weakness?
[first day at coaching job where I lied pretty badly on my resume]
ok guys, get out there & do some of those *looks at clipboard* slum danks
Jackie Chan turns 65 today and he’s still able to beat the living shit out of all us with a ladder
CPR Teacher: That’s the end of the lesson. Any questions?
Me: If you all want to leave and lock the door I’ll put the dummy away.
[trying to avoid awkward silence on first date]
you ever see a horse throw up?
“no”
*smiles and turns phone sideways so video gets bigger*
If at first you don’t secede, try, try again.
~ Theresa May