*friend gets divorced Mon*
*friend goes on date Tues**I break up with boyfriend*
*15 years later I casually smile back at a stranger*
You Might Also Like
you see me struggling as i carry a dozen loaves of bread down the street. “that guy must be a chef,” you think to yourself. wrong. baguette fight club
And now as I don my mask in the grocery store I know I have but fifteen seconds before my glasses fog up and my cart becomes a lethal weapon.
My 5-year-old found two pennies and shared one with her sister.
I grounded them both because I’m not raising any communists.
Isn’t it ironic that all of Alanis Morissette’s friends knew her song had nothing to do with irony but, being Canadian, were too polite to tell her.
The most Seattle thing ever: I ran into a woman on my street using a mason jar with a light in it to look for her lost chicken
“Mommy, I don’t wanna grow up and die!”
“Oh. Well, you can die at any age, really.”
if the bag is matte the chips are healthy
It’s too bad you unfollowed me, I was about to propose.
I USED VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO TODAY AND NOW I CAN’T STOP SHOUTING!
Ask your doctor if doctors are right for you. Make them self conscious. Question their motives. Die unnecessarily young and smug.
My kids are having fun in that “Someone’s going to the ER” kind of way.
the most challenging thing I’ve done all week is explain to a 4 year old where he was in photos taken 7 years ago
*gently places finger on caroler’s lips*
you had me at “O come”
ALIEN:*points at Chihuahua* whats that?
ME: a dog
ALIEN:*points at Husky* whats that?
ME: dog
ALIEN:*getting angry, points at Pug* whats THA
cats are so dumb how do u only learn how to say one word ur entire life
*wins oscar
I’d like to thank my legs,for always supporting me;my arms,who are always by my side& also my fingers,I can always count on them
Hasbro is the only company that manufactures Monopoly. Think about that for a minute.
[planning a family vacation]
Me: …then we’ll get a bus between the cities.
Kids: Yayy, cool!
Wife: That’s quite some distance, how long’s this bus?
M: About 45 feet, I guess
W: I despise you
My wife and I have a rule whoever is driving controls the radio, unless I’m driving and then she controls the radio.
I like how the use of the passive implies William Shatner has no say in the matter
I know karate and tons of other words.
I always keep pepper spray in my purse, you know, in case someone tries to attack me or make small talk
Marie Kondo: Does this item spark joy?
Daughter: YES!
Marie Kondo: Oookay… um, this paper cup from 3 weeks ago?
Daughter: Yes! It’s my favorite!
Marie Kondo: *holding up a broken crayon* Does this item spark joy?
Daughter: Yes!
Marie Kondo: *in tears* This popped balloon?
Tried to save some money by getting Halloween candy at Aldi. I hope kids like Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
Technically, a millennial is anyone who had to learn cursive but never had to use it.
The average person swallows 8 cats per year in their sleep.
Cat 911: what’s your emergency
Cat: my human is bleeding to death!
911: stay calm. what happened
Cat: she tried to pet my stomach so i bit her
911:
Cat:
911: hahahaha
Cat: hahahaHA
Cat Paramedics: *arriving on scene* HAHAHAHA
Sometimes, when I’m bored, I tell my mother-in-law to relax.
“PARKOUR!” – me, after tripping over nothing on the sidewalk