When you say you’re a “foodie”, that means you like to eat gross food and then pretend that you like it? When I was a kid that just meant I got dessert.
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I have a pair of furry slippers. I call them shoebaccas. My wife says this is why I have no friends.
Ask a man if he’s critiquing your work…
Men Who Are Dating say: No, & compliment you.
Single Men say: Yes
Married Men: Try to hide
I’m a staunch supporter of something, I’m not sure what that is, yet. I just wanted to be staunch today.
Me: Dammit I’m not gonna let you die on my watch
Her: *chokes* It’s too late
Me: *leans in close* Get off my watch. It’s a Rolex.
Them: omg, I haven’t seen you in so long
Me: yeah that was on purpose
[Ferrari dealership]
ME: How much for this red one?
SALESMAN: Oh, that’ll cost you a pretty penny
ME: *holding out penny wearing a small wig and lipstick*
SALESMAN: VA-VA-VA-VOOM!
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a physiologist.
Me: Amazing! I love carbonated beverages. The fizzier the better!
[the city, seeing a marching band]
DAD: Son when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten and the damned?
ME: i’m 6
The best part about getting older is now when my friends make me mad I just give their kids a gift that contains glitter.
the boston alphabet is only 25 letters because they threw the t in the harbor
Seems a lot like 2021 keeps asking, “What would 2020 do?”
nothing makes me feel appreciated at work more than management sweetly saying “have you been helped?” because they have no idea i work here
I am not emotionally unavailable I’m trying to get my new scissors out of the package.
If I don’t see someone on social media for a while I automatically assume the worst… that they’re happy.
Me, flirting😏
[first day in the crime lab]
me: I can’t believe we get to invent new heists
Whenever I see an empty pizza box in a neighbor’s garbage can, I get jealous someone had a better night than I did.
My husband has been singing Mambo Number 5 for an hour. If he keeps this up, his next tune will be Divorce Number 1.
I got about 8 seconds into explaining the Kate Middleton situation to my French husband before he told me, in the Frenchest voice imaginable, “ah yes, that’s why we decided not to have those sorts of people anymore”
i used to steal a bunch of digestion meds as a kid and all the cvs’s around town had a wanted sign calling me klepto bismol
Say, hypothetically, I was stuck in an air vent over a dressing room at Lane Bryant. What kind of legal issues am I dealing with?
I miss this era type of pranks😭
I hate to brag but strangers were spraying me with Lysol before this all started.
No officer, Vodka and I were hanging out and this car decided to join us.
[speed dating]
Him: have you ever been married?
Me: just once… we had a beautiful ceremony in my parents yard with all my Barbie dolls in attendance but an hour later he went back to live with his mom
Him: lol aww you were 5?
Me: don’t be ridiculous *sips drink* I was 30
Videos that say “wait til the end” and then nothing cool happens, are the reason I have trust issues
Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream
It’s just a bunch of grown men too stubborn to ask for directions, so they are driving around in circles.
~Me explaining NASCAR to my daughter
My son went out, put his hands on his hips, and started saying how great my lawn mowing job looked and this is how dads get high