Wife: *through tears* An 11 foot tombstone seems a bit excessive
Funeral director: Ma’am, your husband was adamant in his wish to list his favorite breakfast cereals ranked by prize quality
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*My neighbor rolls over in bed.
Me: You really shouldn’t sleep with the windows open. Now quit hogging the covers.
Everyone’s a gangster until they turn a spoon the wrong way under running water.
Facebook marketplace is a different world
My husband wants a fourth child. I hope his new wife will be good to my three.
Nice that I’ll hear “Just a little prick” today because I’m giving blood samples and not from some random person replying to my tweets for once.
I’m a Gemini. If you’re looking for someone who’s the exact opposite of me, just wait an hour.
GOD: u wanna go back to earth?
JESUS: why
GOD: to absolve man of sin
JESUS: ehh
GOD: you’d get two birthdays
JESUS: let me get my coat
*stands near cute dude in store*
ME [pretending to be on my phone]: PLEASE doctor, when will I be cured of my no gag reflex problem *winks*
Kim Kardashian’s birthday is today AND she got engaged to Kanye West! It’s almost like it was made for TV! Wait….
I’d give my left arm to be able to leave work and go kayaking.
Albeit it in very slow counterclockwise circles.
wife: I’m having a baby.
me: *handing menu back to waiter* I’ll have a baby as well.
[Confession]
“I killed a man”
“Wait what”
“Lol had to get that off my chest, now why did you come in today, my son?”
Probably the most humiliating thing that can happen when you die is that you come back as a fitted-sheet ghost.
governor said not to attend any gatherings w/ more than 10 people so I guess I’m still on for the smashmouth concert
Stop = Hammer time
Full stop = Grammar time
According to the CDC, the leading cause of death in 2016 was having a career in the 80’s that brought you any level of fame
me: turtles stole my pizza today
therapist: interesting
me: they emerged from the sewer like ninjas
therapist [removing mask to reveal shredder]: WHERE WERE THESE TURTLES
*launders Kohls cash*
[dinner w/friends]
“How long you two been married?”
It’s been thirt- (wife shaking head)
teenish twenty- (still shaking)
for a long time.
When I go jogging, I listen to a portable CD player, so people think I’ve been running for 10 years.
If I insult you, I’m either flirting or genuinely don’t like you. Good luck with that.
DETECTIVE: what do you think killed these two birds?
ME: [picking up the only stone near their bodies] idk maybe the bird flu.
I don’t drink alcohol, I drink spirits.
I’m not an alcoholic, I am spiritual.
Apparently all my new nephew wants to do is eat and sleep…which means he’s already a lot like me.
[Pulled over]
Sir do you know how fast you were going?
MY DOG IS IN LABOR!
Oh! In that case *scribbles*
Here is a ticket for littering.
*trimming the tree
Tree: K, but I wanna keep the length.
“Are you sexually ac-” [my doctor looks up at me] [he marks no]
A priest, a pastor and a rabbit entered a clinic to donate blood. The nurse asked the rabbit: “what’s your blood type?”
“I’m probably a type O”, said the rabbit.
If you can steal a scarf away from Johnny Depp he has to grant you one wish.