[little snake covering himself with glue before school so his crush will think he started shedding]
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Always the bridesmaid, never the person about to make the worst mistake of her adult life
FRIEND WHO JUST GOT BIT BY A VERY VENOMOUS SPIDER: Hurry, the antidote!
ME: This reminds me of a time
FRIEND: No, not an anecdote! *Dies*
How long can COVID live on breakdancing cardboard?
And can it be killed by sick moves?
We’re just two people shitting in side by side stalls waiting for the other person to go out so we don’t have to show our face
me: where have you been? it’s 5am!
wife: I’m having an affair
me: omg who is he? [excited] tell me eeeeverything!
Me: I’ll email the document, but I REFUSE to send it over telephone line.
Boss: What the hell are you talking about?
Me: I’m an anti-faxer.
I’m sure Leonardo DiCaprio‘s girlfriend is a wonderful person but I saw a headline that said she “has a message for her haters” and all I could think was “is it ‘I really need my .5 lead mechanical pencil back before Bio’”
I don’t get the concept of Beach House Hunters. You don’t have to hunt a house. Especially on the beach. It has nowhere to hide
*walks into IT department attempting to look cool*
You guys torrent any emails lately?
My baby bump popped this week, and I’m still waiting for the maternity clothes I ordered to arrive. If you see me walking around looking like Winnie the Pooh, just mind ya business.
“The other day” -me referring to the year 2017
@funTweeters Well I made a page for you…IN MY HEART. Thanks so much you guys!
RT if you could go either way.
Hubs said we should only drink one night a week…. But he didn’t say anything about the day 😜 #sundayfunday
Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:
1. You have something you want to do.
2. You write code to do it.
3. The code doesn’t work.
4. You fix the mistakes.
5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.
6. You fix the idea.
7. Goto 2.
INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote “I ain’t afraid of no ghosts”
ME: *sweating profusely* Yeah why, do any ghosts work here?
My inflatable house got a puncture
last night.Now I’m living in a flat.
My children are arguing over who gets to sleep on the top bunk. We don’t have bunk beds.
“You know what? I had a speech ready but I’m going to speak from the heart”
*smashes teleprompter with a baseball bat*
When someone cries, “No one gets me”
I immediately snatch them and put them in my trunk and yell, “I got you”!
Me: fills tub with blood of virgins to keep my youthful glow
Also me: ruins everything by absentmindedly tossing in a bath bomb
After twenty years, I finally paid off my loan. Please be happy for me.
Friend angrily rolling eyes: I only lent you twenty dollars
If you see white smoke coming from my chimney, I’m cooking supper. If you see black smoke, we’re ordering pizza.
boss: david, you’re fired
me: *just got a haircut* is that alllllll you have to say to me 🙂
[Office]
Secretary: Mr. Grey will see you now.
Anastasia Steele: I have a ridiculous name.
[Morgan Freeman narrating my life]
*extended period of silence*
“What the hell am I supposed to do with this…”
Friend: Let’s go to the game next week
Me: Let me check my calendar
Also me: (yelling into the next room) Honey!
I love birthdays! My boyfriend rented a special hotel room for us to fight in.
Yes, your cat is waiting for you in heaven. Hm? Yes, he will ignore you there too.