Your child learning to say mommy is when your life begins and ends
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I’m sorry I punched you when you said “Facebook me”.
I thought you said “Face punch me”.
Divorce:
Step 1: She throws all your shit in the street
Step 2: The judge says you have to give it all back to her.
Sorry I interrupted your wedding dance with a much much better dance
I wrecked my Italian car, now it’s al dente
You say potato, I say get the hell out of my bathroom
i see ur bf carved his favorite sports team’s logo into his pumpkin instead of u. nice to see where his priorities lie. lmk if u wanna talk about it. i’d be upset
Me, as a judge: OK we’ll take a quick recess now.
*lawyers start discussing lawyer things*
*I go outside and swing on the swingset*
ME: do dogs think we have three mouths because we pick stuff up with our hands?
VET: where exactly is your dog
ME: he’s uh coming later
My 2 year old just figured out how to block light from getting in her eyes using her hands and now she’s verbally taunting the sun. I appreciate her moxie, but a literal star war with a nuclear reactor 330,000 times the size of the Earth is the LAST thing we need right now.
Well Bob, I love to travel, and being my own boss is great. But I suppose my favorite thing about being a serial killer is murdering people.
I’m sick of my girlfriend’s husband starting shit
Him: Wanna bump uglies, baby?
Me: Ooh, yes please!* Grabs two ugly people and starts smacking them against each other. *
early man: made primitive tools from stone
late man: tries to sneak in without his boss noticing
[waking up in a ice-filled bathtub with a fresh wound across my abdomen] oh Jesus God no, somebody took my wolves
If love didn’t hurt, it wouldn’t be called love…it would be called tacos.
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: gimme a scotch on the rocks
Me [scrunching towel into glass]: I know lemonade, I can do lemonade
MEDIC ALERT BRACELET:
Do not resuscitate. Erase the selfies on my phone or I will Amityville your house.
Husband: wanna have a quickie?
Me: As opposed to what?
[Deli]
Me: can I get a children’s sub
Employee: sure thi-
Elon Musk: move over I got this
I believe in you.
I also believe in bigfoot so don’t get too excited
Pie is superior to cake. Nobody makes a cake chart.
ME: *coughing* I’m sorry my voice is a little hoarse.
CHESS PLAYER: did.. did you just swallow my knight?
The cashier at the grocery store was flirting with my husband, and I’m a little mad because she didn’t even give him a discount.
i love going on a date and realizing halfway through i’m never gonna see this person again in my life so i switch to the kind of honesty that only happens when you’re on a sinking whaling ship or a collapsed mine shaft
*Victorian letters to Santa*
My dearest Santa,
I trust this letter finds you well. We have had an exciting season with 7 family members succumbing to consumption.
*8 more pages of socially-accepted bigotry against every other nationality & poor people*
I would like an orange.
Captured by terrorists tied up to a chair with a pillowcase on my head: guys please let me go I swear I’m not a pillow
I can’t tell if I lost weight or stretched out my pants beyond the point of no return.
If you eat enough ice cream
your clothes will shrink. Weeeeird.
“This is beyond the scope of the project” —me after I haven’t understood how to do something
If you watch Titanic backwards, you are an idiot. That is not the way movies are meant to be watched.