there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial
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the fondue…? you mean, my drinking cheese?
Dating – Every Kiss begins with Kay.
Marriage – Every conversation ends with K.
Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we prefer to call it a background check.
guys I’m going home
Why does my 2yo insist on looking homeless when we leave the house?
Sometimes I’ll call in, disguise my voice, and insist on speaking to me, or I’ll take my business elsewhere.
My ‘gravy is low’ light just came on.
It’s my son’s birthday this week; so we’ve been doing whatever he wants since he was born.
I may be getting old but not “doesn’t know what day of the week it is” old. I can tell by which day I open on my daily pill organizer.
Just go ahead and put “She always had to pee” on my tombstone, because that’s how everyone’s going to remember me.
How to meet a girl:
1) Walk into a bar.
2) Shout “Heroes in a half shell.”
3) When a girl yells back “Turtle Power,” marry her.
[googling]
me: [how to get wife to stop cheating]
google: it won’t stop jim
me: [please google please stop porking my wife]
google: i can give her things that you can’t
me: [we have children]
google: you sure they’re yours jim?
me: [looks down at my son, algorithm] oh god
*In fancy restaurant*
Waiter: can I recommend something off the specials board?
Me: I’d prefer a plate, tbh
Just took an antibiotic and a probiotic and now my body will fight itself to the death!
If you never include your body in your selfies, I am forced to assume that you don’t have one.
Carry on floating head selfie chick.
I remember when you had to subscribe to Reader’s Digest to read jokes this bad.
If human civilization had a narrator it would just be some guy repeating “Little did they know…” over and over and over.
[Elementary School sends out the “time to check lost and found for your child’s missing items” annual email…]
Me: Hello, U-haul…Me again…Imma need your biggest truck
“YEP, that’s a poop alright!”, and other phrases you’d prefer not to hear coming from the 3 year old’s room.
*overheard in women’s bathroom*
I think there’s a guy in here.
Wife: It’s like we don’t even know each other anymore
Me: Not this crap again, Brenda
Wife: That’s not my name
My uncle was sitting alone at the table & I said “sitting with all of your friends?” And he said “yeah having a good conversation with your boyfriend.” I love the holidays!!!
Me talking to my family members: Damn that sucks
Me talking to my friends: Bro I will move mountains to see you smile. If you need anything I will quit my job and book a flight to come bake you fresh bread.
Dad: You spent $750 for a college class on human anatomy? Do you think we’re MADE OF MONEY??
Me: Not anymore
Yes I am 45, male and love cats. Recently I posted a selfie. It could be worse though, right? Hello?
The feminine urge to sneeze with wet mascara.
[Our bedroom, morning]
Alarm clock: *beeps*
Wife: *presses snooze*
Alarm clock: *beeps*
Wife: OMG READ THE ROOM
Back in my day there was so much Toilet Paper and Eggs, that we would throw them at the houses of our enemies!
Every boy band song should have a part where they realize they’re singing about the same girl & get mad at each other.