me: clean your room
teen: okay(30 minutes later)
me: clean your room!
teen: okay!(one hour later)
me: *changes wifi password*And now we wait.
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“Yes, but what if 9 pregnant women could produce a baby in 1 month?”
-More or less every project manager I’ve ever worked for
Wait…was it my left or your left?
-me as a surgeon
I grew up before google, and as a kid I didn’t know bread was slang for money. Spent my childhood wondering why they put bread in Billy Joel’s jar.
Me: I’m feeling really confident right now.
Universe: Humble her.
Why do the models on the catwalks always look so angry? I would have been very happy to get paid to just walk around in fancy clothes.
People who ignore me just haven’t learned to make the best of a bad situation.
Got fired from the duty free store for never showing up which is very misleading and also bullshit.
Happy “Venmo Your Siblings for Flowers” Day
Meanwhile, in Facebook,
Greta, who dislikes the gays, is about to get a big surprise from her son and his “roommate” of 20 years.
Congratulations to the sweater, another year of being the most disgustingly named piece of clothing.
Che Guevara was such a revolutionary. He revolutionized the t-shirt sales.
Battery falling down a hole
*God invents corgis*
God: what ingredients do we have left
Angel: uh, a meatloaf and some pig feet
God: lol check this out
Maybe I misheard him…
But I think God just told me to start building a really big goat.
You say illegal, I say added to my bucket list.
Bedtime:
Brush teeth
Put on pjs
Read
Turn off light
Put them back in bed
Put them back in bed
Threaten everything they love
Put them back
Dolly Madison should make snack cakes for diet “cheat days” and call them Ashley Madisons.
I really do like you, but I only share my alcohol with people I really like.
Me muttering when my husband takes a sip of my drink.
me: hey can i get some ground?
groundhog: you may not.
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Alexa: I’ve found one zoo near you with monkeys.
me: I’d like one mcdouble please
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: ok one mcdouble please, ur majesty
ah, mercury’s going retrograde, that explains why i accidentally squandered my entire youth
therapist: if you don’t choose yourself, someone else will
me: agreed. i’ve decided to be a pterodactyl
therapist; that’s progress
me: haven’t tried flying yet
therapist: please don’t
me: you sound just like her
what the hell is this stain?
– a memoir
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked?? It’s not like your clothes die too…
I’m pitching a show called “Walking Dad” where dads go around biting each other and then the people who get bitten become dads too.
Interviewer: Do you plan on having children?
Me: I have four, why start now?
Told my daughter work was tough today and she patted my back and said, “Life isn’t always pickles and peaches,” like some kind of 3rd Grade Confucius.
*accidentally walks into lion’s den
*goes back to party in lion’s living room
[summer]
I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too hot.[fall and winter]
I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too dark.[spring]
It’s nice out and the days are getting longer. I think I’ll go for a w– *tornado siren sounds*