Lol.
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“Butter is not play-dough”
– things I shouldn’t have to say
*putting wrinkle cream on my crow’s feet*
HOLD STILL, MR. VANDERBEAK!
Always trust your dog’s first impression of someone.
I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.
Went onto the patio and found out that my daughter is in the process of making fake dog doo with insulating foam sealant. Do I ask or just let nature take its course? #QuarantineCrafts
*painting your nails* one hand : perfect. other hand : looks like a blind cat did it.
My internet has been out for 24 hours and now my kids are moving out.
That was easy.
RIP Ronaldo’s Moth. The world’s most famous footballing insect has died after a long and illustrious career. He was 6 weeks old.
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
If there was vomit on my sweater already from mom’s spaghetti I think I would just stay home. No rap battles for me tonight please, I am unwell
I put so much brandy in my warm milk last night, I don’t even remember going to bed. It was like Milk of Amnesia.
ME: …and that’s what the ‘sine’ function is used for
MY SON: I will never have to know this again in my life
ME: Oh you will son, trust me
{20 years later…}
MY GRANDSON: Dad?
MY SON: Yes?
MY GRANDSON: What’s the ‘sine’ function used for?
My 3-year-old dumped pudding in her pocket.
Novice dad reaction: “You ruined your pants.”
Veteran dad: “Thank God. I thought it was poop.”
Me: i never know what to say
Friend: just say something nice[later]
Date: hi
Me: 69
Shopkeeper:This is made of pure virgin wool sir.
Me:You see I m not interested in the morals of the sheep.Just tell me,will it keep me warm?
me: can u say da da
baby: ba
me: dada
baby: baba
me: dada
baby: are u really this desperate for validation
me:
baby: ok dada
I saw a crying baby and gave it my phone bill cuz why should we both be upset?
Kanye West Presents:
KANYE ON BROADWAY
Featuring:
“Papa, Kanye Hear Me?”
“Kanye Feel the Love Tonight”
“I Am a Few of My Favorite Things”
I’m too immature to use a recipe that calls for cumin.
Sober me:
It would be convenient to have a urinal in my house.
Drunk me:
A urinal! *pees in sink*
The weather forecast should include the percentage of answers blowing in the wind
We need to go back to the days when every town only had one single, bumbling, sheriff who was constantly falling asleep while leaning back in a chair and forgetting that he’d left the town’s only jail cell unlocked
I told the kids if they’re not good we’re flying United this summer.
Got out of the car and dropped my keys in the gutter. They landed next to my mind, which I thought I’d lost.
How can you tell a vampire has the virus?
He’ll be coffin.
“Dad why’d u name me this?”
I named u after the greatest athlete to ever live
“Oh ok”
Now let’s go, Air Bud, we’re gonna be late for church
If you’re worried that technology will take over remember humans develop technology & we’re surprised how hot it is in the summer. Always.
three old people next to me at this coffee shop hanging out and catching up. one of them says “your daughter is doing well? has her ducks all in a row?” and the other says “welllll there’s a few geese in there” and all three of them laughed until they cried. gasping for air.
baby daddy implies the existence of ginger daddy, scary daddy, Victoria Beckham daddy and sporty daddy