*pretends floor is lava*
*looks around*
*slyly pushes homework onto the floor*
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I believe that growing up watching Porky Pig cartoons have contributed to my lack of pants.
I just don’t get life insurance. Why would I want to give my family a financial incentive to kill me?
Teenage Jesus: Hey dad, why you wearing that crucifix?
God: It’s an idea I have for a public holiday.
TJ: Huh?
G: It’s complicated.
Ann Coulter has managed to stay so thin because the last solid meal she ate was Hansel and Gretel.
[forest precinct]
DETECTIVE OWL: HOO
BEAR: I dont know
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: I DONT KNOW
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: OK I DID IT…I ATE GOLDILOCKS!
Adam: Thank you for carrying me a great distance at speeds otherwise unimaginable to me. I shall call you “Horse”.
Horse: *getting excited* OooOooo okay thanks! It’s kinda basic, but I like it
Adam: and this twisted up sea crouton is also a horse
Horse: wait what the frick
Dear Son-I apologize for ruining your life by asking you to put your dishes in the dishwasher!
weighted blankets are not enough. hit me with a shovel
I just wish the Oompa Loompas came prancing out and sang a song about each victim in the Saw movies.
Stayed up to watch the clock go from 1:59 to 1:00 am because you know, time travel
I never make New Year’s resolutions. I just carry the ones over from the previous year and add “This time I’m serious”
remember you can close your eyes and imagine a mouse holding a cocktail umbrella walking across a spaghetti noodle tight rope any time you want. no one can stop you
ME: [bumps man]
MAN: [spills coffee] Say sorry
ME: No
MAN: Then I’ll see you in court
ME: [remembers I own a camouflage suit] You won’t
Marvel, DC, and the world unite to agree on one SUPERVILLAIN to rule them all….
The Guy Who Determines Snack Food Serving Sizes.
I like to make things awkward at family gatherings by walking up behind each person and whispering ‘I know what you did last Christmas’
I love how people slow down and come to a complete stop to read the dammed traffic signs.
It says: STOP
You don’t need to study the dammed thing.
Overheard: “My dad froze my account and I only had $4 in my pocket last night so I went to the Sunoco and bought 3 scratch offs and won $15 so guess who’s going out tonight”
This guy told me he spoke Swedish and then spoke Swedish and tbh I have no way of knowing if he was lying.
Me: I’ve got mismatched socks do you think that’s ok
Wife: I don’t think anyone’s gonna notice
Me: I’m gonna tell em
Divorce is never funny. Unless it’s happening to your ex who got engaged six weeks after you broke up.
“I’m a huge fan.” – Peacocks
To those going to Miami tomorrow, please be sure to visit our fun fair setup at the Courthouse.
Photo booths, 23&me test kits, fingerprinting, make your own bracelets…
Be there, will be wild!
me: so you know when you lie on a resume and then you get the job and you’re just like, “I know how to do literally none of this”?
copilot: you’re leaning on the intercom.
Nutritionalist: you should eat 2,000 calories a day
Me: ok, how many at night?
How do you stop babies crying when you drop them? And don’t say ‘garbage disposal’ because that’s jammed now.
true crime documentaries are like “nobody suspected the husband until they found the life insurance policy”
This is your captain speaking. Those of you on the right side of the plane may have noticed 3 pyramids. This is 3 more than we were expecting to see in Barcelona. Anyway, does anyone have google maps?
FRIEND: ready to go body surfing?
ME: [unstrapping a corpse from my car roof] let’s do it
If you think you’re attracted to me, just know that I make my sandwiches like this: