AN INSANE PERSON: I want to drink vegetables
THE MAKERS OF V8: Hey
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When I was a kid I thought shrimp cocktails had alcohol in them and I thought it was such a weird way to get drunk
Hey ghosts, if you can fog up a mirror you can pick up a broom.
[lava kids playing in a volcano]
“the floor is linoleum!”
I wish more modern politics was about trying to stop the fulfilment of an ancient prophesy.
I was pretty happy getting a lot of honks for my “Honk, if you love Jesus” bumper sticker but I can’t help wondering if it’s because of that red light I sat through three times now.
my ear. is inside out. and the human. is not home to fix it. i have put the household. on alert level. dark grey.
her: isn’t my baby beautiful
me: *don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
he’s…preciousher: you said all of that out loud
So my kid finally stopped falling for the fake throw.
my therapist: you aren’t the problem, everyone else is
me: oh wow, i’ve fooled you too
My husband doesn’t think our family will eat a 5 pound bag of cheese and I’ve never been so determined to prove him wrong.
Finally watched Pulp Fiction with my kid, but fast forwarded thru the parts she’s not ready for… best 27 seconds we’ve spent together recently.
📽️movie date🎞️
Top Five Accountant Taboos:
5. Unreconciled difference
4. Doesn’t foot & crossfoot
3. No journal entry support
2. Cooking the books
1. Sex
Day 1: Buys $8.00
organic raspberries.Day 2: Moldy.
Repeat weekly.
Gf: “You want to know what your problem is?”
Me: *looks at watch* “Ok, but our dinner reservation is in six hours”
They don’t put calorie counts or serving suggestions on boxed wine. They know you’ve got enough problems already.
I stole a friend’s phone today and set it so it will autocorrect “I’ve” to “me’ve” and me’m really excited about it.
my 5 year old is in a book club with his grandma, aunt, and uncle, and they’re all reading stuart little. they meet on sundays. they call themselves the Bookaloes (Book buffaloes?) it’s the best thing
50 years ago, nerds were smart. Now a nerd is just someone who likes Star Wars and eats a lot of cereal.
welcome mats are just gateway rugs
If I woke up today from a ten year coma and the first thing I saw was an ad for the new downton abbey movie I’d be like oh ok thank god. Looks like I was only out for a few months
this is ur captain. sory for descending thru another cloud but ralph told me it was posible to land on one of these things so we keep trying
I’ve been watching far to many episodes of Extreme Homes. I want one made of containers, w/solar panels,heated floors, recessed lighting, indoor pool w waterfall/swim up bar, and windows to the ocean & garden on my roof. Floating.
Youtube is the only place where you’ll find people arguing about religion in the comments of a snowboarding video.
“I detest drama!” I declare with a flourish of my cape, and the back of my hand over my forehead.
If a woman wears a hair tie around her wrist you can be sure she is always ready for something, like maybe a brisk jog away from men who misinterpret meaningless gestures as every woman wants to be viewed sexually.
My life won’t stop downloading updates without my permission.
I always thought a fortress was a female fort.
Her: What are you wearing for New Year’s Eve?
Me: My nicest robe and whatever booze doesn’t make it into my mouth.
“All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…”– list of girls who wouldn’t talk to me in high school