caller: listen carefully–we have a hidden camera in your hotel room. you need to…
me: pay you money? smuggle drugs???
caller: cover it up. and would a little cardio kill you?
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Cop: we found this dead cat stuffed in the the photocopier
Detective: OMG, another victim of the copy cat killer
I like to walk up to strangers and ask, “Would you take a photo of me?” If they say yes I hand them a photo of me and walk away.
This might sound like an off the wall question. But what do you think of parkour?
COP: Is this man bothering you, Sir?
ME: that’s my wife
I’m no heart surgeon but I have the most steady hand when scrolling through an ex’s Facebook page.
Me: A gentleman never kisses and tells
Wife: Who. Was. She
Just said to my dog ‘excuse me, no, we don’t eat masking tape do we?’ I don’t know why I said ‘we’. Obviously I don’t eat masking tape. Just wanted to make her feel better I guess, like we’re in this decision together.
Just saw a rainbow………great now the sky is gay
“Please! There’s no need to interact with me. I’m just here to observe.”
-me in every social situation
A 41 year old gymnast is competing in her 7th Olympics. I just texted my son and offered him $5 to come downstairs and hand me the remote.
Awww, I remember when I was 18 and thought I was an adult too. Good times.
Don’t let people tell you that you can’t give up. You totally can. I do it all the time.
I want to live in a clean house but the whole living in it is really getting in the way.
Genie: What is your last wish
Me: Make me stop second-guessing myself
Genie: You sure that’s what you want?
Me: GAAAHHHH
Reading in public is so embarrassing. How thirsty are you for knowledge, bro?
Please define the logic when someone says you’re too much?
Too much what?
Not wearing glasses anymore. I’ve seen enough
– “Did you know a swan can break a full-grown man’s heart?”
– “I think you mean arm?”
– “NO I DON’T!!”
*Runs away sobbing, bread spilling everywhere*
therapist: now, once again, stress balls are for …….
me: (sighs heavily)
stress balls are for squeezing, not throwing at people when I’m stressed
I hate it when a dog starts barking and then every other dog nearby retweets him.
Me 7 hours into an 8 hour car ride: Do you want me to drive?
Husband:
*passenger next to me starts putting on headphones*
Are you mad at me?
I don’t use gps. I’m tagged like a pet cat so when I get lost someone just returns me
I’m more comfortable hearing my five-year-old repeat swear words in public than I am hearing him say “uh-oh!” from another room.
Wife: OMG, stop saying that. You’re embarrassing me. You’re a waiter at a BBQ restaurant.
Me: I’ll thank you to refer to me as a porking attendant.
*bedtime*
Me: What does Winnie sleep in?
10: Dad… no
Me: POOJAMAS!!
10: I’ll go straight to sleep if you’ll just stop.
We need to make art so weird that when the tech companies try using it to train AI, the AI goes “listen I don’t know what this is and I’m scared”.
Therapist: healing isn’t linear
Me: what if I pay extra?
i love that bands still pretend to leave before their encore. like peekaboo for adults
Every day, thousands of innocent plants are killed by vegetarians….
Help end the violence!!!
Eat BACON!!