My cactus judges
All of the other houseplants
For how much they drink
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If everything gets better with age, explain why this dead body keeps smelling worse and worse
Marriage is wearing the same shirt for three days in a row and on the third day, your husband asking if you got a new shirt.
Great now my sugar daddy just left for smokes
Him: I love you so much I want to shout it from the mountaintop
Me: *knows about mountains* Literally no one will hear you up there
My Star Wars lingerie is still in the wash so for tonight’s role-play I’m probably just going to wear a matching undies & bra and rename them Star-Drawers and Bra Bra Jinks
Oh, I just remembered. You’re boring…. and my legs work!
My supervisor said I’m worth my weight in gold so I’m eating these donuts to increase my value.
Marie Kondo: Ask yourself if it sparks joy?
Me: [looks at daughter’s bedroom and throws the entire room out]
daredevil: [standing in the rain with his girlfriend] i may be blind, but my echolocation allows me to picture you perfectly
her: oh so like you’ll use the sound of the raindrops to-
daredevil: [just starts screaming into her face]
Literally any podcast host asking their guest a question
Million dollar idea: App that mutes all crying babies, barking dogs, and car horns in movies.
I don’t invite ppl in bc that’s how vampire dens come about.
[Million dollar idea] : Spaghetti Sauce colored Tupperware.
Him: Hey
Me: *flashes box of super tampons*
My pet rock, Simon, died and I was going to bury him outside but I set him down and now I’m not sure which one is Simon oh no
CW: What’s your favorite shellfish fantasy drama?
Me: Game of Prawns 🍤
Reasons why i never let my girlfriend touch my iPhone. 1) I don’t have iPhone. 2) I don’t have a girlfriend.
My kid made up a song that goes “I love you and would do anything for you except clean” like some kind of 7yo Meat Loaf
Advertisers have been tracking exactly how much soup and noodles I’ve eaten over the last 20 years and are still somehow convinced that I can afford a Lexus.
Man down! Send in back up!
*wife comes rushing in the room*
“What happened?!”
*i dip another chip in the salsa to rescue the broken chip*
Why did the momma kangaroo add onions, celery and various spices and seasonings to her pouch?
She was making her kids marsoupial.
first time at Hobby Lobby:
hello I’d like one hobby please
My eldest is at the age where she’s starting to ask questions. Tonight she started asking about Father Christmas. My wife calmly took her to another room to answer, leaving me with her younger siblings. We couldn’t hear so I still don’t know what’s up. Hope Santa is OK
This generation has discovered the selfie stick. My generation discovered AIDS. Don’t know what’s worse.
Ex (trying to make me jealous): I’m going to a party, everyone’s drinking, laughing, and having fun!
Me: that’ll all stop once you show up
*valentine’s night*
Me: I got you a new pair of shoes
Her: *crying* I sold my feet to buy you these earrings!
Me: *also begins to cry* I can’t hear you
Having kids has made me a better person, because I now have a constant example of how jerks behave.
My apathy is at an all time whatever.
Grandma: It’s funny how often on TV shows people hallucinate with dead loved ones
Me: how’d you get out of the casket
When I break something I just stay quiet until my husband blames one of the kids.