Me:”The store didn’t have any bread so I brought flour”
Wife:”If they didn’t have butter would you buy a cow”
*sound of hooves in kitchen*
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I like how Alexander Graham Bell invented phones, crackers, and ringers.
If you aren’t amazed by a plant showing up after you put a seed in the ground, we have nothing to talk about. Unless you’re like, really hot.
My friend (an X-ray tech) started dating a new guy and frankly I don’t know what she sees in him
LIBRARIAN: our library has three stories
ME: shouldn’t it have more?
Liam Neeson: What I do have are a very particular set of skills.
Me if I were the kidnapper: *is.
Kim Davis says war has been declared on traditional marriage. Still unclear is which of her four marriages is under attack.
cop: could you please describe the man who tried to kill you
me: yeah he was not nice
boss: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: HAHAHA[later]
cw: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: literally never talk to me gary
TSA agent: Please remove all footwear
[moments later]
TSA agent: Not mine, sir
[I time travel and bring back Shakespeare]
SHAKESPEARE: What’s this?
ME: That’s a meme
SHAKESPEARE: What the hell is wrong with you people
I TRADED MY ALARM CLOCK FOR A KOALA SO I CAN SLEEP UNTIL HE STARTS BEGGING FOR LEAVES WHICH’S LIKE 3 DAYS
I ordered a bed from IKEA and they sent me a tree trunk and a saw.
My ex girlfriend has a tattoo of a shell on her inner thigh. If you put your ear to it you can smell the ocean.
I would have instantly hit ET with a hammer and screamed the entire time
Sick of your relatives? Just start coughing, they’ll clear out in no time
Gandalf: Frodo, you have the fortitude to carry the ring and resist its power.
Frodo: *puts the ring on twice in one hour*
Gandalf: ffs
Pretty much the only time I WANT to hear about your ex is if she’s standing behind me with a weapon, other than that I’m good.
I’m sorry you’re breaking up [static sound] I’m about to go through a tunnel.
Dad, we’re right in front of you
Uh….. go ask your mom.
*reads online that you should befriend your coworkers with some water cooler talk*
ME (to coworker): So, are you into water coolers?
You’re not going to believe this, but I was doing really well, and then your email found me.
anyone else like Italian cereal
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What’s your name on Twitter?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
Hot singles in your area looking to borrow a cup of air conditioning
8: I wish you could homeschool me
Me: Aww, how sweet, you’d really want me to be your teach-
8: That way like instead of doing work, I could just play baseball in the backyard and you could clean and stuff.
Me: Ah look, the bus.
“When I call your name say ‘omnipresent.'” – teacher to class full of Gods
Me: Children I may not have riches to pass onto you but I do have faulty genetics and a history of anxiety that is all yours.
Children: Wait what?
Me: What?
TOP 5 PAINFUL THINGS:
5: relationship breakup
4. going to prison
3. disease diagnosis
2. death of a loved one
1.
My dog can predict when an earthquake is going to happen. But television doorbell versus actual doorbell baffles him every time.
I wish my ex could look down from heaven see my “look at me now” life!
but nooooo, he’s still alive
When I die, just throw the laundry in my grave with me. I want to die exactly as I lived.