[chameleon conference]
Boss: Is… everyone here?
*crickets*
Boss: I know Keith is. He brought the yummy crickets. Thx
Keith: You’re welcome
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Brushing my daughter’s hair
Me: Why is your hair SO tangled?
5: I don’t know. Glue maybe?
Me: Did you put glue in your hair?
5: Yes.
I hate when I’m on the treadmill and my hand accidentally hits the stop button & I have to get off and eat a bacon grilled cheese sandwich.
Wearing Juicy couture sweatpants takes on entirely different meaning when you have IBS.
BARBER: So what do you do?
ME: I’m a writer, and you?
BARBER:
ME:
BARBER: I’m a barb—
ME: Barber, right, yes.
I really don’t care where y’all are located, my brother was last seen on the Westbank in the Westwego area. My baby is missing and I need everyone’s eyes because I cannot see by myself. This is the time I need all of my prayer warriors 😔 please help me find my brother
I’m sorry I used your Diva Cups to quarantine my sea monkeys.
[toddlers, ordering in a restaurant] “garçon! your freshest fish crackers, for the lady, and for me – the sauce of one apple.”
My life these days is basically the “before” segment of an infomercial for a revolutionary new mop.
[airplane intercom]
good afternoon ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking why did you leave without me
does the “apple a day keeps the doctor away” thing work on all types of doctors? my neighbor is a PhD in marine biology and keeps trying to talk to me about the various uses of squid ink
so no one told you life was gonna be this way
[the wolf who ate Little Red Riding Hood and her Grandma scrolling twitter] there are two humans inside me lmfao
If you don’t charge your Fitbit, it can’t express disappointment in you.
handsome & gretel
* deletes account
*reactivates
AND, ONE MORE THING…
Thanksgiving prep with mom is great for my self esteem:
Why aren’t you helping me??
*starts to help*
You’re doing it wrong! Let me do it!
It’s all fun and games until you have to decide “who eats the last piece of chicken appetizer” at the office dinner.
Just once I’d like to buy a house plant that didn’t have the lifespan of a soap bubble.
[jaws theme plays]
Me: omg
Shark groom: omg she’s here
If you wear oversized sweats to the grocery store, and an attractive man smiles at you, is it a flirty smile or a pity smile?
Me: If you pay a mime enough, they’ll talk
The other mimes at the protest: [visibly furious]
I would rather see a scorpion in my house than one of those antique dolls with the glass eyes.
“I totally nailed that guy” – Roman soldiers
NASA is launching a new mission to say sorry to the aliens, they are calling it, “Apollo G”
This is the one week you can throw a charred corpse in the garbage without people asking a lot of questions.
Lifting up my shirt outside the piercing place as a cautionary tale of what a formerly-pierced belly button can look like after pregnancy
No thanks, I’m not hungry right now. I’ll just wait until after you put it away and sit down. Then I’ll have some.
-kids
They bad news is my teenager is running a fever; the good news is he’s still feeling well enough to make “yo mama” jokes.
lucifer: let’s give them free will and see how they choose
God: nice lol I’m gunna steal your idea and send you to hell
lucifer: what?
The terminator figures out where John Connor is but he can’t do anything about it because he’s on 3% and can’t find a charger.