I once dated a woman named Kim who hated to be called Kimberly. Then I dated a woman named Chelsea who really hated to be called Kimberly
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Four Worst Feelings Ever:
4. Losing your job
3. Romantic break up
2. Death of a loved one
1. Needing to pee when you’re stuck in traffic
To me, being Single means never having to apologize..
Unless someone drops by my disgusting house unannounced
Torturer: I’ll cut your fingers off
Me: I’ll NEVER tell you the passcode!
Torturer: I’ll burn your skin
Me: Never talking!
Torturer: I’ll read the poems you wrote in high school
Me: It’s 2547
“Just spread them open and shove your face in there.”
– How to put on glasses.
SON: What’s a sex tape?
ME: Er well when er a man & a woman have er intercourse they
S: No
M: No?
S: Dad. I know what sex is. What’s a tape?
#Itssocoldthat..A streaker froze in mid-streak! The town council just stuck a plaque on him and pretended he was a Greek statue until spring
Me: I’m starting my diet today
Husband: I’m picking up some fried bacon wrapped shrimp. Do you wan–
Me: I’ll take a hundred
“I don’t think being an only child affected me at all.”
I say, as I straighten my tiara, whilst eating the last cookie.
Him: whatcha doing over there?
Me: playing on my phone
Him: oh yeah? What game?
Me: my favorite game
Him: which one is that?
Me: …Amazon
unstable person: “jet fuel doesn’t melt steel beams, 9/11 was an inside job”
stable person: “i look after horses”
[at the mechanic]
me: my car makes a funny noise. listen..
mechanic: that’s the horn
Incense sticks are just disappointing sparklers.
[watching TV]
GF: Tickle my back please
ME: Is that nice?
GF: Little bit higher
ME: [very slightly squeaky voice] Is that nice?
God: *creates oceans*
Lucifer: I SEA what you did there LOL
God: Get out
[throwes some foam packing peanuts into a pond]
“HEY! NO LITERING–”
shh wait
[a flock of rubber duckies float over squeaking excitedley]
Sent an email to my Mom. Now I’m at her place showing her how to open it.
My landlord is very strict about dogs. It doesn’t matter how well-behaved they are. He still won’t accept them as a form of rent.
Elevator sex is a logistical nightmare on many levels.
If you’ve ever fed goats at the farm where they clamber all over you chewing at your clothes, then you know what my kids are like when I pull out some string cheese
1-year-old: *shrieks repeatedly*
Me: Why is she so loud?
Wife: That’s how she talks.
Apparently she speaks fluent pterodactyl.
[first day as a ghost]
BOSS: ur job is to scare people
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *whispering to millennials* you’ll never pay off ur student loans
This should not be this funny I am sorry😭😭😭
Coworker: Can you keep a secret?
Me: Nope.
When the devil buys your soul he makes you sign a contract because even though he is pure evil he has an unshakable respect for tort law.
No one has stolen my lunch at work since I started labeling it “Stool Sample.”
If I was a snake and I owned a ship I’d call it the S.S. SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS.
If someone stole my identity I would be like, “Haha now you have no money and you’re bad at basketball.”
Ugh, my boyfriend got me flowers even tho I explicitly asked for cash
Keanu Reeves: THERE’S A BOMB ON THE BUS! IF WE GO UNDER 50MPH WE’LL EXPLODE!
Me: [while maintaining eye contact, presses “Next Stop” signal]
*gets ghosted*
Me: awesome, thanks for the 14-day free trial