The Mayor in Jaws was right.
Imagine you traveled to the beach on the 4th of July and they’re like “Sorry ocean’s closed – there was a SHARK out there a few days ago!”
“Who made that decision?”
“Our SHERIFF who is SCARED of WATER!”
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My kid told his preschool teacher that we have a dog (we don’t) and that our dogs name is barf (?) so no, I don’t trust anything out of a toddler’s mouth
No handshakes?! Then how am I supposed to know when the mating ritual is over?
Clearly my autocorrect has ship to say
If you, don’t know, how, to properly use a comma don’t use, them ok.
Protip: Never ask an accountant “What have I got to lose?”
If coronavirus isn’t about beer then why do they keep talking about cases of it
Really want to try out a career in tracing, or something along those lines.
This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.
I hate it when I go to hide out from my kids in the walk-in closet & my husband is already in there hiding out from me.
My 5yo told me he’s carrying coins in his pocket in case he runs into any guys he has to pay, and now I have questions
Not sure which is more alarming: English wine or English bears?
[we arrive at the Pet Sematary]
Jud: we’ll rest here, but there’s a… a place further on, it’s got power
Me: how much further on
Jud: three miles
Me: *finger guns* no thank you
[I chuck my dead cat into the woods and go home]
My dentist not only specializes in treating cavities, but he also sells gasoline for your car. Basically he runs two filling stations.
[ restaurant ]
him: how long for a table
me: about 8 feet
him: no the wait
me: ah, 90 lbs
Me: people who betray you need to know that they make us incapable of trusting again
My mum: it was one mango that was bad of the lot! Just let the vendor go!
My daily affirmation
Spam emailers who use the heading “Loaded broccoli salad to win the holidays” are not to be trusted.
I passed gas and my husband asked if I said something so I’ve been laughing for 28 minutes now.
[first day as a juror] *applying lipstick* which way is the hung jury
[being dragged off the plane]
Wait! Those are my 30-50 service hogs!
As long as you’re good at blending in, you can be part of Brad and Angelina’s family too.
God: You’ll be huge and fat
Blue Whale: Dang
God: Awful eyesight
Whale: Ugh
God: No predators- except other whales
Whale: I don’t wanna do thi-
God: Biggest junk on the planet
Whale: I’m in
I just wished a Bride-to-be good luck on her first marriage.
She didn’t seem to appreciate my sincerity.
okay, so you’re definitely the best at keeping your body completely still, what do you want, atrophy?
Her: How pathetic can you be?
Me: Gosh, I don’t know. I haven’t really pushed myself yet.
Teenage Mutant Ninja Wordle
⬜🟩🟩🟩⬜
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
🟦⬛🟦⬛🟦🟦
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
🟩⬛⬛⬛🟩
⬜🟩🟩🟩⬜
Husband: Are we ordering out for lunch or eating here?
Me: I was just going to have something frozen here.
Daughter, from the other room: I WANT SOMETHING FROZEN 2.
I’m prepared for anything, as long as it isn’t hard or boring or scary
Very tired of the NSA reading my tweets and not retweeting them.
I’m so excited to have the kids home from college until that first trip to the grocery store.