Staying in a cabin with three other guys for a weekend has just become a race to say, “There he is!” anytime someone enters a room.
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you’re never too old to achieve your dreams. prince charles is 73 and he just got his first job.
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: …
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: *sits up in bed* Clark, you have x-ray vision. You know there’s no monster in the closet
[me, hearing an audience booing] STOP APPROPRIATING GHOST CULTURE
love the HBO account having a prewritten response to “god damn no one can see shit on your show it’s too dark” comments
Drinking alcohol can lead to many things, like uneating your food.
[date]
HER: ok let’s both say our greatest fear at the same time, 3 2 1
HER: being alone
ME: a clown eating my hotdog
You know a Brit’s really mad when they beg your pardon, then suggest something may have escaped your attention, before apologising for being close to losing their patience. Upon reaching boiling point, there’s a chance they’ll give you all due respect before issuing the killer blow of offering you their regards.
Jurassic Park III on AMC. 10 min. in, 2 young scientists studying dinosaur fossils. FOSSILS. Hey, ‘member how THERE ARE ALIVE DINOSAURS NOW?
People: Dogs can always sense someone’s true colors.
Dogs: WTF is “colors”?
Every liquor store should sell lemons, limes, and oranges!!!!!!!!!
Handmaid’s TALE not Handmaid’s Handbook
Me to Hitman: in the bedroom. He is big.
Hitman*pulls gun & enters* where is he?
Me: on the wall!
Hitman: that’s a spider
Me: kill it!
therapist: what do you see?
me: Snoopy
therapist: this one?
me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football
therapist: I see, and now?
me: Lucy moved the ball
therapist: wtf this is the wrong book
Who wore it best? #Oscars2015
[Produce Aisle]
Sir, we’re going to have to ask you to leave.
*mouthful of like 20 grapes *
“That lady took one too!!”
OF COURSE I’m not on my first box of Christmas Tree Cakes! ARE YOU NUTS?!… I’m on my second.
just yelled YOU DONT KNOW ME at uplifting bathroom graffiti that read “you are enough”
Middle schoolers are terrifying because they haven’t even discovered empathy yet. just a bunch of psychopaths struggling to learn long division
Love it when I see the sign:
“You must have been born before 1999 to buy tobacco products.”My oldest bra can smoke now.
This morning I fixed the Keurig by violently shaking it upside down and suddenly all the other kitchen appliances started working correctly.
*puts water bottle across the room to force myself to move*
*dies*
We can play Yahtzee again.
-You fixed the broken dice?
Yeah. And they’ll never break again.
-How do you know?
*grins*
Die mends are forever.
Everytime I spend $20 I think this is fine because I won’t do it again. And then would u believe
Just had a cardio workout peeling an orange.
Cheeseburgers don’t make you work to eat them.
There’s an important lesson here.
“Bro check out that DILP.”
“Where? Wait what’s a DILP?”
“Dog I’d Like to Pet.”
Boss: “Do you know why I called you in here?”
Me: “To see if I can read minds?”
cinderella had an entire animal army and a magic grandma, and all she did with that was go to party to meet a man. in the history of misses wow that’s the biggest one
How awkward would it have been for coach if he put in Air Bud and they lost.
My daughter is begging to get her ears pierced and promised she’d “still” listen to me even with holes in her ears.
A lot of birthdays in November. It’s as if there’s some kind of romantic peak in or around mid-February.