“Mom…dad…the truth is…I just don’t like steampunk.”
*mother weeps into a handkerchief on a telescoping brass gimble-arm*
*father shouts, ‘You’re no son of mine!’ and flies away in his gear-driven veloci-thopter*
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My 3yo plays a version of hide-and-seek where if you find her, she cries.
Worth remembering.
The sun got the nerve to be out.
Don’t just stand there, DO SOMETHING
Whoever decided to spell it Albuquerque instead of Albakirky. You’re a fuquing quoqusuquer
I just got unfollowed by a woman that just started following me yesterday, so I guess I just had my first one night stand on twitter.
i like to flex on them by shrugging
What idiot named them Minions and not Gru-pies
Hypnotist: you are getting very sleepy.
Me, a parent: I’m already there, pal.
I once had a coworker friend tell me how her son was arrested in another country, and she had to buy gift cards and send them by “special delivery” person who picked them up, to bail him out. I laughed out loud (couldn’t help myself) so hard, she never spoke to me again.
Take me down to the paradise city where the salmon are jumping and the tubes are fishy
ever since i was young i knew i wanted to be on the computer
Me: can I get a breakfast burrito
Waiter: no breakfast after 11
Me: can I get a regular burrito with eggs
Waiter: no eggs after 11
Me: can I get a regular burrito with chicken
Waiter: sur—
Me: —pre born
Life is a highway: Too many cars, not enough bathrooms
Im writing a parenting book called kids won’t listen until you scream like your mother did.
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
College guy: [massaging head] Oh man I got so trashed last night.
Raccoon: [massaging stomach with his little raccoon paws] Me too man.
Did Counting Crows ever give us a total number of crows
So I went to the store and bought 5 oranges, but somehow I lost 2 on the way home. Then when I got home I found I had 3 oranges behind the coffee machine — and now I’m officially the guy from the math problem you hated.
[over megaphone]
“Police! We have you astounded!”
“Jim, it’s ‘surrounded’.”
“No, I know but look at his face.”
wife: [looking at our baby] lets name her after my mother
me: ok
[later]
friend: aww what’s her name?
[at same time]
wife: alice
me: grandma
I hate when the cashier ask me ” You doing alright today ” when I’m buying a 6-pack of beer with change.
Everyone at my funeral gets a stun gun. The last person standing gets all my stuff.
You think cannonballs scream ‘humans’ right before they land in water
Breaking News: Man shaped like a garbage bag full of potato salad upset with outcome of sporting event.
Whenever I see an empty pizza box in a neighbor’s garbage can, I get jealous someone had a better night than I did.
Salesperson: What a cute service dog! How does he help you?
Me: Pete, purse!
*Pete pees on Louis Vuitton
Me: I’ll take it for 50% off
*watching horror movie where young couple moves into new house & scary things happen* This is unrealistic they could never afford this house
Whenever I’m ordering takeout they ask if I need three sets of utensils and the answer is always obviously yes