[Cute Girl]: *in hot tub* Hey baby. Why don’t you come join me?
[Lobster]: No I’m good over here. That’s how my dad died.
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Pac-Man gave me very unrealistic expectations about my ability to run away from ghosts.
I’m basically only good at three things:
1. Programming
2. Counting
Someone told me they don’t wear a mask cuz their nose is too big. Give me a break. I wear underwear.
*In fancy restaurant*
Waiter: can I recommend something off the specials board?
Me: I’d prefer a plate, tbh
Good news, my mom’s friend’s sister’s cousin’s cat doesn’t have ringworm
customs officer: anything to declare?
me (pulling blanket over elephant): umm just this blanket
Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed
Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.
Anyone who believes in cyber-bullying is a huge pussy.
Jim ate my sandwich.
It was clearly labeled.
Jim’s email is open on his PC.
Jim’s son now thinks he’s adopted.
The sandwich was LABELED.
Girlfriend: “I’m pregnant”
Me: “Really? Thats great.”
GF: “April Fo–”
*I’m already on a plane to a non extradition country*
when someone messages me a minute after i login to work
If you get pulled over, you should be able to read the police officer the tweet you were writing, and if it’s a banger he’s gotta let you off.
[bedroom]
Me getting out whipped cream: I’ve been waiting for this
Gf: kinky, I like it
Me already eating pie: what
How do you stop Canadian bacon from curling in a frying pan?
Take away its tiny brooms 🧹
I’ll bet Medusa never got mosquito bites.
LITTLE MERMAID 2016:
SEA WITCH URSULA: Your voice is mine mwaahahaha!!!
ARIEL: *flicks eyes up; keeps texting*
A couple of years ago, I convinced my son I don’t know how to clap. He’s been trying to teach me ever since. I’m hoping I can keep this going til I stand up and slow clap during his high school graduation
People make me sick, unless you cook them properly.
People who say that their wedding day was the best day ever have obviously never had a KitKat that turns out to be just solid chocolate.
1st kid: *makes own baby food from organically grown fruits and veggies fresh from the garden*
4th kid: *throws can of spaghetti-O’s in a blender*
Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he’s shrunk
Me: There’s a guy in Toronto who survived being shot thirty times. He’s totally fine now
Wife: I am not shooting you. Just go to work
Hey, so I was working on an Excel spreadsheet and hit an unfamiliar function button and, long story short, now I am trapped inside it and all these numbers are mad at me
PSA:
Drunks will undercook grilled chicken every single time.
Friends don’t let friends get drunk and grill chicken.
Marvellous mathematical takedown of a Motivational Poster
Experts say that human interaction is important for brain health but I’m willing to risk it.
[The Gorge in the Pride lands]
Water buffalo 1: *tramples over Mufasa* Didn’t we go to that guy’s baby shower?
Water buffalo 2: *shrugs*
eggs benadryl
Bought some skinny jeans and tied them around my waist, they don’t work.
Other parents don’t want to be friends with us once they find out our child folds his own laundry and doesn’t need braces.