Winner of unnecessarily terrifying headline of the year announced:
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The name “Boeing” makes so much sense now considering it’s basically the sound of something hitting the ground and bouncing.
I opened Match and Tinder on my Kindle Fire and it burst into old flames.
Y’all. My kids are in the bathroom plotting to stay up until midnight and have NO CLUE I can hear EVERY word of their plan to “sneak into the pantry and eat a ton of sugar”🙄
To be continued…
Never ever make an arm wrestle bet with a man who has been single for a long time….
Monday is a draft that was sent by mistake when God’s cat jumped on the keyboard.
Him: can we just go back to how it used to be?
Her: awww. Like the day we met?
Him: No, before that.
Me: Baby, would you do that sexy thing with your mouth?
Her: *Yodels*
ME: *Donates my body to science*
SCIENCE: Oooh, we… we don’t want that.
Accidentally bring the wrong kid home on Halloween once and now I have to listen to the same stupid story EVERY year.
Why do we always have to have a reason to get off the phone?
Why not, “Okay I’m done talking now bye”
A friend was talking about her cat bringing her another dead mouse and my ADHD brain did a side quest imagining my snake calling a cat for Door Dash.
Before I got an iPhone all I heard from my husband was how “intuitive” their products were. And I couldn’t help wishing they made spouses.
ME: I played Wordle today
SON: great
ME: Do you know what Wordle is?
SON: no
ME: It’s like Mastermind but instead instead of colors it’s letters
SON: great
ME: Do you know what Mastermind is?
SON: no
*Watching TV*
Hmmm, I should read more
*Turns on subtitles*
Man down! Send in back up!
*wife comes rushing in the room*
“What happened?!”
*i dip another chip in the salsa to rescue the broken chip*
So uh… what level of jumaji are we on today?
What idiot called it a pharmacy and not a “coughy shop”
Me: I’m pretty sure I just died, but this place looks exactly like my office
Satan: yeah, welcome to hell
Me: well, I guess it could be worse
Satan: I also signed you up to be on the party planning committee
Me: NOOOOOOOOOOOO
my cat has the hiccups and he’s trying to lick his own belly and every time he hiccups he looks around like who the hell did that
5 year old on the life cycle of humans:
“First you are a baby, then young, then a teenager, then an adult, then old…”Me: Sounds like you have a handle on it
5 yo: “…then caveman, and then rip.”
[1st date]
Him: What do you do for fun?
Me: I like pretending I’m someone else.
Him: Wow? You do impersonations?
Me: No, I steal identities.
me: man, this is great! I only wish I’d taken up deadlifting sooner
Funeral Home Director: please leave.
Who did it better?
*stands near cute dude in store*
ME [pretending to be on my phone]: PLEASE doctor, when will I be cured of my no gag reflex problem *winks*
Me: (accidentally crushes the World’s Smallest Violin)
Guy who owns the World’s Second Smallest Violin: aw yea baby my time to shine
Me: These five words I swear to you, when you breathe I want-
Him: Stop singing to the mustard
Me: *stands up and closes fridge* Whatever.
fun prank: go observe the newborns at the hospital & if someone asks which is yours say “I haven’t decided yet” while sobbing uncontrollably
2.5 hours into self quarantine: *gains 10 lbs
Dogs lick each other’s butts to tell each other they like them. Just like politicians
In high school I only played the trombone so I could hit people and make it look like an accident.