When my 9 year old gets off the phone with his girlfriend, I’m going to ask him for some dating advice.
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You sound unhinged. Let’s go get mugshots.
Wanna know what it’s like being married? Chain yourself to a wild animal. Now kick the animal.
If you zoom out during the opening credits of “Friends,” you’ll see that the security guard who protects that fountain is DEAD.
Accidentally spilled some rice on my iPhone, so am now going to have to leave it submerged in water overnight.
imagine teaching an egg cooking class and finding out you have a student named shelly
when I was little, I drugged the milk to catch Santa. Next morning I found my dad passed out on the stairs. Well played Santa..
I never understood why people complain about camping. What’s not to love about a luxury, air-conditioned cabin fully stocked with food, beer, and WiFi?
*turns off comments*
I stopped wearing skinny jeans when I turned 30. In hindsight, I should have replaced them with something else. I got arrested a lot that year.
I’m only a vegetarian so people won’t invite me anywhere
My dentist asked me if I had a problem with my gums bleeding. You’d have to be really laid back to not have a problem with that.
I’ve just seen my doctor quickly close the Wikipedia page for ‘bones’
Led Zeppelin: And she’s buying a stairway to Heaven…when she gets-
My wife: HOLD ON I HAVE A COUPON
It’s been a horrible day. This morning my ex got ran over by a fed ex truck. Then I lost my job at fed ex.
I’m so oblivious to someone flirting with me that if they told me to take my shirt off I’d assume it was because I spilled something on it
Do men in Antarctica wake~up with morning popsicle???
Gonna tell my kids Santa doesn’t come to dirty houses so they have to clean all day tomorrow.
Oh Twitter is still here? Thank God, I have about 100 holiday puns saved in my drafts.
I’m about to make it rein, deer.
(Please don’t block me.)
me: when the weinermobile goes through the car wash do they take the bun portion off or do they just let it get all soggy
judge: i meant questions about your life sentence
Only wearing tennis skirts from now on and frankly disappointed in myself for not thinking of it sooner.
Awwwww shit.
Iceland has a web page for the upcoming presidential election. You can go in and enter your name in support of a candidate. In an attempt to do so, apparently 11 people accidentally registered as candidates and are now running for president. Looking forward to the TV debates.
What is a ‘sexual prime’ and can I get it on Amazon?
I may not have any friends but at least I know my cat will never ask me to help him move
You can only be young once, but you can be immature forever.
ME: Yeah, I’ve heard that movie.
FRIEND: You mean ‘seen’ that movie.
ME: Ha ha. No! I’m on twitter. I haven’t seen a movie in 3 years.
I just woke up from a dream where a very attractive man with an adorable dog invited me to get ice cream… and I told him, “sorry, I don’t have any condoms,” then walked away. Dream me is as awkward as real me.
If at first you don’t succeed, it’s called ‘Attempted’ Murder.
There’s a button on this hotel phone that says, “Pizza”.
I may never leave.
love it when you say or do some common sense thing and the other person has “file not found” written all over their face