How about a child exchange programme where if your kid is being annoying you can just swap them with someone else’s vodka?
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Jackie Chan turns 65 today and he’s still able to beat the living shit out of all us with a ladder
So apparently if someone invites you to dinner at their home, it’s impolite to create a negative Yelp review about it the next day.
*rip*
stupid
*rip*
automatic
*rip*
STOP
*rip*
GIVING
*rip*
ME
*rip*
PAPER
*rip*
TOWELS
*rip*
Mr. Beast: I locked 30 single moms in an IKEA with unlimited weapons and gave the winner $200,000
Everybody: Hey man. You shouldn’t do that
My kid called me to tell me their car had a flat tire when they got to school.
Then pacified me with:
“Don’t worry mom, it’s only flat on the bottom.”We’re thinking Harvard.
If I had ten cookies and you took one,what would you have?
That’s correct.
A black eye and broken hand.
RABBIT HUSBAND: You look even better after a full day of work. I don’t know how you do it, honey.
RABBIT WIFE: They test cosmetics on me.
Social media for large reptiles: Instagator
Is it “nemesis” or “nemeses”? I’m renewing my wedding vows.
I showed up at Disney headquarters uninvited
I said I was there for a Rogue One cameo
That’s how I learned the security guards have Tasers
Doctor: “Hey, how are you?”
Patient: “I am good”
Doctor: “Ok. Next.”
@funTweeters Oh, wow! Thank you for adopting me into this incredible family of hilarity! Proud to be in such admirable company. 😊🙌🎉
I’m only leaving the house today so my selfies will have new backgrounds.
every girl is defined by their one lost love. and by that i mean the one fast food item that was discontinued without warning, subsequently ruining their life
Jamie Oliver says there’s “nothing worse in the world than an undercooked green bean”
I’m going to go out on a limb and say he doesn’t watch the news.
It’s wild that your car has balloons but you only get to play with them if something bad happens
What idiot called them ‘religious pamphlets’ and not ‘belieflets’?
6yr old: *tries to stick her fingers up my nose*
Me: Stop it! Get away from me, I don’t want your fingers in my nose.
6: What? I washed my hands.
Teacher: Ok, which of you stole the thesaurus?
Student: Not me
Student: Not me
Student: Nay myself
Student: Not me
Stewardess: Both pilots are unconscious! Does anyone know how to land a plane?!
Dad who’s fed his toddler several times: *confidently stands up*
*PLOT TWIST*
Breaking Bad last ep.
Walt takes off the mask to reveal he was Dwayne JohnsonThe world finally knows what the Rock was cookin
DID YOU KNOW: If you don’t eat animal products, you will take it out on everyone else forever?
“I wasn’t born yesterday.”
-hilarious talking baby
My neighbors are organizing something called a “fun run”. This shit never happened when I lived in my car.
Do you scroll through Netflix to find a good show for your dog to watch when you leave the house or are you normal?
My son just choked on food laughing, and I’m torn between being concerned and marvelling that one of my jokes almost literally killed someone.
Me: Is it just me…
Everyone: Yes. GOD, YES!
Me: I hadn’t actually finished my question 🙁
I just got unfollowed by a woman that just started following me yesterday, so I guess I just had my first one night stand on twitter.
People give a detailed description to a police sketch artist after seeing someone for only a few seconds.
Meanwhile I’m 65% sure my wife has green eyes.
Everyone compliments the jumpsuit when you wear it out—but when you get to the bathroom it’s just you and your choices