Follow your dreams. Stalk them relentlessly. Hide behind plants & cars. Don’t let them see you coming. When they least expect it, attack.
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centipede: *gets down on one knee*
girlfriend: omg
centipede: *puts down second knee*
girlfriend: uhm…okay
centipede: *puts down third knee*
girlfriend: please stop
The most dangerous piece of machinery a person can operate while drinking is the telephone
[first date]
Him: Why are you being so distant?
Me: Why didn’t you order a side of guacamole?
Today I learned that a Roomba does not clean dog poop very well, but it does leave a trail as to where I can find it.
My therapy group is a joke. The doctor is supposed to match you with people you have something in common with but everyone here is nuts.
A fun thing to do is sign your kids up for a class they’re dying to take and then listen to them complain about it for the next 8 weeks.
Whenever someone tells me they have an IQ of 140, I wonder if that’s Fahrenheit or centigrade.
They:’What doesn’t kill you..’
Me:’I don’t want to be stronger.’
I always cary a clump of my hair in my pocket so when people say, “I like your haircut”, I can respond with, “Thanks. Here, have some.”
my little sister is staying home for her first semester of college so i’m gonna puke in her shower and set off the fire alarm at 3am so she can get the true freshman year dorm experience
🤣🤣
Live by one rule: trust no one but yourself. But at the same time, can I borrow your car tomorrow night?
yeah no that’s fair
A co-worker just used the word “elderly” to describe someone my age and that’s why I had to kill her.
*stops drinking liquids at 5pm*
BLADDER AT 3AM: still not good enough
Tomorrow’s weather forecast:
60% chance of rain, 15% chance of snow, and 0.0017% chance that none of this is real and you’re just a happy little forest gnome who nibbled on the wrong kind of mushroom.
Did you know that simply replacing your cup of coffee in the morning with a refreshing glass of water can leave you both hydrated and in a terrible mood for the rest of the day?
I like to put a few lawnmowers in the back of my truck and follow landscapers all day just to make them nervous
Boss: You need supervision.
Me: *squints really, really hard*
i got 100% on my daughters assignment.
my biggest fear is waking up and being in the renaissance era or something. imagine having the knowledge of hotdogs but lacking the tools to make them
me: this was fun
demon haunting me: this was not a date
me: text me when you get home
demon: ok
“What’s wrong with our country?”
OBAMA!
“Who are we going to reelect in 2012?”
OBAMA!
boy, pass me my luxury grilled pregnant smelt
I wish I had my mom’s zest for living. she once took a kitchen knife and carved a giant hole in the wall of her closet because she “always wanted a house with a secret passage.” mom you live in a trailer
Website: are you a robot?
Cyborg: *sweating activated*
Latte is the most popular part of the pumpkin spice plant.
20 years ago my Dad went out to buy a pack of Camels
…and now he’s the most successful camel breeder in Europe.
I texted my husband “I want pizza but I need to go to the gym” in the hopes that he would try and steer me back on the right path and motivate me to go to the gym. But instead he replied “Same, let’s get pizza” and so yes it is true that marriage makes you fat
[hijacking a hot-air balloon] i have scissors