My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs…
I’ve been his customer for 6 years.
I had no idea he was a barber.
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Quarantine sucks in a house that’s haunted because a message suddenly appears in blood saying “YOU USUALLY LEAVE AT 7:45.”
[knock on door]
JEHOVAH’S WITNESS: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
ME (hates gossip): no
Nothing worse than talking to a person with a large amount of spit in their mouth that talks really fast. HOLY SHIT…My glasses r ruined
HEY JALAPENOS!
Me doing the macarena dance
Her: So, do you prefer showers to baths?
Me: I follow my heart…
How did we decide to go with cockpit?
When Granpa revealed an exit wound scar from WWII it gave me strength to show him the owie owie bruise I suffered closing a faulty pizza box
Cats can use their whiskers to navigate in the dark. I use my toes. And shins. And lots of cursing.
Today’s Forecast: Room Temperature
Tomorrow’s Forecast: Room Temperature
Long-Term Forecast: Room Temperature
If I did the math right, 8 of you are serial killers and 1,246 of you are eating Nutella.
People can be dangerous when they have too much power. Giving my 5yo a balloon sword is a perfect example of this.
The wind kept blowing an old Burger King wrapper at my feet for over half a block
I know a sign from God when I see one
detective: take him away boys
video: *being dragged away* I DIDNT KILL THE RADIO STAR. I WAS FRAMED
YouTube: *flicks cigarette* the plan is going perfectly
“Hi, I’m Lucky, this is Bandit, and this is Shadow.”
– if people were named like pets
Thinking of opening a new deli in India but I have no idea what to call it.
Just when you think you have your shit together, a sock goes missing from the dryer and disappears from the face of the earth.
age 1: goo googa
age 2: im a babada da
age 3: thank god i can finally speak. listen, i’ve been observing u for 3 years now. what are u doing
Me: Anything you can do I can do better, I CAN DO ANYTHING BETTER THAN YOU!
Mom: Why are you yelling at the dog?
As a kid I wanted a Jetsons like future, but now I get emails from my vacuum cleaner so be careful what you wish for.
*has argument with husband*
*brings up all the dumb shit he said in 2011**adds “Historian” to bio*
Wordle is trying to tell me something
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*applies Chapstick throughout our entire 13 minute conversation*
Wife: what’s wrong?
Me *halfway through eating a horse* I’m not as hungry as I thought
Americans: Iran and Iraq are countries, not Apple products, so say their names properly.
Me: *eating a breakfast bowl with turkey sausage and egg whites* hmm only 270 calories
Also me: *sprinkles half a cup of shredded cheese on top* that’s better
Of all the things the Internet has lied to me about, the ease and enthusiasm with which a cat will ride a Roomba is the biggest.
me: I’m working on a romcom about mansplaining
agent: what’s it called
me: Actually Love
“DOES ANYONE KNOW CPR?”
I step forward boldly.
“I know OF it.”
*phone rings
Me: Hello?
Telemarketer: Hello how are you today?
Me to son: Come here baby, SpiderMan is on the phone!