Does Rapunzel use the shampoo “Head & Shoulders, knees & Toes.”
You Might Also Like
*pets your eyebrows*
there, there caterpillar; everything will be ok
Kanye West tweeted that Bill Cosby is innocent?
This is the last straw.
He just lost my vote in 2020.
“I don’t want a boyfriend.” -woman who wants a boyfriend who isn’t me
guard your heart, cater to no man’s ego, honor your own time and your energy, don’t use uber. happy 2015.
Hey man do you like my costume? You only need photographic memories of every movie scene you’ve ever watched to get it.
The auto parts store is like ‘get our free app’ as if I’m buying parts everyday. I only need this one thing.
1st girl @ the moon:
– Houston, we have a problem
– What happened?
– Nothing, doesn’t matter
– Come on
– Nothing..
– Tell me
– U should know
I love when British people call it a “rubbish bin,” like my kitchen trash got a monocle
cats can’t give you covid but they would if they could
Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph
cashier: have a nice day
me: i got other plans, buddy
Texting 15 year old son after his high school dance:
Me: Hi baby! How was the dinner beforehand? Did you have fun? How was the dance? Did you dance with your date? Did you remember to tell her that her dress was pretty? Was it fun?
15: good
Prince Charming: yes she left her shoe now I can find her!
Friend: uh you can find her by recognising her face
Prince Charming:
Friend:
Prince Charming: she left her shoe
I caught my 6-year-old trying to hide a banana peel to save it for later because he wants to make a craft with it “maybe next week.”
[Ice Cream Truck]
John Cena: I’ll take an Icee, please.
Ice Cream Truck Driver: Icee? You?
Cena: *grabs driver’s shirt* No, you can’t.
Just once, I’d like to see a cactus that isn’t flexing.
Arkansas was named when a pirate tried to spell Kansas
I turned the location off on my phone so an international spy agency isn’t aware that I’m eating fast food today. I want to impress them.
I’ve learned a lot over the years, but the best advice I can ever give someone is never buy a used harmonica.
Sometimes I feel like Twitter has run its course. Then I remember everyone here hates running.
my son swallowed our amazon dash button and now im afraid to hug him for fear of ordering another bulk order of goldfish snacks. am i cursed
My husband accidentally woke me at 5am while getting ready for his morning run. Exercise doesn’t just hurt you, it hurts the ones closest to you.
I wore a Not All Who Wander Are Lost t-shirt to church, and they still asked what I was doing in the fellowship pantry during services.
magician: “think of a letter, any letter”
me: “ok”
magician: “now double it”
me: [visibly confused]
imagine your credit card gets declined at the hospital and they put your appendix back in
My neighbor said “nice skirt” so I said, “thanks, it helps me not blast Miley Cyrus at 6 in the morning, you should borrow it sometime.”
police bust open my trunk. it’s full of potatoes. i’ve done nothing wrong.
I just violently threw up for 6 minutes and now my coworkers think I’m the lead singer of Creed.
[teaching my dog to shake hands]
NO! Firmer than that. Want them to take you seriously?
at library
ME: This book wasn’t helpful at all!
LIBRARIAN: Why? What’s the problem?
BIRD: [mockingly] “Why? What’s the problem?”