I just went to church and had communion. Ok it was a gas station and I had 2 donuts but I did say a prayer before scratching my lotto ticket
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If you can moonwalk out of a police station without bumping into anything they have to drop all charges.
When you encounter others on a trail, offer a friendly “hello” or a nod. This helps create a friendly atmosphere. If you approach a trail user from behind, announce yourself in a friendly, calm tone. Yelling “that chipmunk stole my car keys, run for your lives” is not helpful.
Doggo’s polite and subtle implication that he is interested in going for a walk
Me: it’s about the journey not the destination
Patient: [bleeding out] I want a different ambulance driver
Nutritionist: Ideally, you should eat 1200 cal a day.
Me: Ok, and how many at night?
I scream, you scream, we all scream…
This fire drill is going really badly.
christ, it is impossible for anyone to be on a ghost hunting show and not have it be hilarious
it’s just something about the genre that makes people wander around in the dark shouting angrily at ghosts on nightvision and then screaming and running away when a door creaks
Sometimes I’m out in public and I have to look down real quick to make sure I remembered to put on pants.
Do I just say yes or do I make my group hate me before we even begin this project
It’s fine to eat a “test” grape in the produce section but you take one bite of a rotisserie chicken and it’s all, “sir you need to leave.”
When I die i’m donating half my body to science and half my body to a magician
If anyone needs help communicating with their teen daughter,
I am officially fluent in sigh.
God: you’re a seabird.
Puffin: can I fly?
God: oh course you can fly you’re a bird aren’t you?
Puffin: oh good.
God: omg can you even imagine being a bird that can’t fly?
Puffin: I know right? lol.
Penguin: [under breath] don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry.
I’m saving all my really good tweets for when I think of some.
You can’t claim to like bad girls and then get mad when I rob you.
[commenting under wife’s facebook status where she thanks everyone for coming to our son’s bday party] do we have any mustard?
[approaching a person with a service dog who’s wearing a “Working: Do Not Pet” vest]
Me who is different and likely not target audience of sign: Hi, can I pet your dog?
Describing the weird dream I had over the Walmart intercom until the police are called
her: cute dog, what’s his name?
me: this is indiana jones
her: oh cool from raiders of the lost ark!
me: no [picking up poop] he’s not been in any movies
It’s like my Granddad used to say “Sarcasm is not a good thing to bring to a gun fight either.”
Spider 1: … So, they live in there?
Spider 2: Yep.
Spider 1: I can’t believe that this *taps brick house wall* comes out of their butt!
BOSS: How’s the project going?
ME: It’s going okay.
BOSS: Are you worried it won’t be done in time?
ME: I’m not worried at all.
BOSS: Good.
ME: It absolutely won’t be done in time.
For the love of God, what is Jesus saving? Is it coupons? I bet it’s coupons
Sugar in the bloodstream, I’m the world’s problem now.
This is the most 2017 thing I’ve ever seen.
just wanna disappear into a forest but, like, with modern appliances and Wi-Fi
“Fiona, You up?”
-Shrext.
I sexually identify as that one escaped cricket who’s hopping around on the pet store floor.
An apple a day keeps my fruit-picking business trapped in bankruptcy.
if anne hathaway doesnt say anne hatharrived every time she walks into a room she’s wasting a great opportunity