Avoid the embarrassment of mispronouncing their name by immediately forgetting their name
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I baked a carrot cake that tasted so delicious that it improved my eyesight with just one slice.
Took my puppy to the vet today and they distracted him with a cozy bed, cookies, and cheese so my gynecologist needs to up their game.
40ish year old me thinks 18ish year old me should’ve planned something better with her life.
Forcibly removed from the bowling alley for throwing overhand again
[At the gym before someone teaches me the word spotting]: “hey bro will you take care of me and protect me?”
While I was driving, my 4-year-old threw a shoe and honked the car horn and has officially outdone my husband as the worst back seat driver.
Post nuclear war:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishment remains.My refrigerator after a 14 year old boy comes home from school:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishm—
She’s marrying HIM?! TODAY?!
*cut to me sprinting across town to stop the wedding but I see a good dog at the park and pet him instead*
Sleeping Beauty is my favorite story about how any sweet princess will activate her fire breathing dragon if you wake her up from a nap.
I just found out that my mechanic doesn’t drive.
Super convenient that my arms came with cup holders.
I dunno…maybe the Mars Rover can find all the spoons and bowls in my kids bedroom.
[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s that
Son: it’s our house
Me [walks outside with son]: do you see how it absolutely isn’t?
Do chicks with anchor tattoos that say “never sink” know that anchors are made to sink?
if I was ever in prison I’d quickly assert dominance by giving everyone a fabulous makeover
[Hospital]
New mom: [happy] She’s so beautiful. And she has your nose.
New dad: [suspicious] No, she doesn’t.
New mom: I was addressing the elephant in the room.
Elephant: [just walked in with flowers] shit….
[notice son’s not home]
[text]
Me: IT’S AFTER MIDNIGHT! I SAID HOME BY 11!
17: You were my ride.
Me: Oh. Where are you again?
Always remember –
If you’re having a conversation with somebody that doesn’t speak English, just talk louder.
My 8-year-old asked Alexa if he will die one day and man Alexa does not hold back.
Diet diary, day 3
I am so proud of myself, I refused to eat the birthday cake.
But the cup cakes were amazing.
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
I just found out my dad carries around my 4YO’s toy car with him. When he feels stressed or sad, he reaches into his pocket and holds it. I’m teary-eyed thinking about how my child’s object brings my father comfort, but damn, we’ve been looking for that.
What I ask my husband to buy:
Milk. Just milk.What he hears:
Some chocolate, doughnuts and trifles. Oh and milk.
Calvin: the doctor thinks I have dissociative identity disorder
Hobbes: getting a second opinion?
Calvin: yeah that’s the gist of it
There is no “we” in pizza
I’m calling the cops.
I’m walking on sunshine, AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH and I’m startin’ to feel
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH THIS IS TERRIBLE
Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
Podcast? Back in my day you got a newspaper. To subscribe, you’d call them up. “25 cents a day for your filthy rag, full of lies and comics, please. Every day. Throw it at my house as hard as you can in the middle of the night. When I’m done not reading it, I’ll wrap fish in it.”