That awkward moment when you try something on in a shop but you don’t know if you can get it off again.
You Might Also Like
There is no room in this room cause you brought an elephant with you
Apparently at some point in history, hotcakes sold quite briskly.
Unknown number calls and expects me to talk first, welcome to breathing competition.
That’s disgusting! Where did you learn to do that?! Don’t wipe boogers on Mommy’s pillow!
Wipe it on Daddy’s
two people had sex in the 80s and now I gotta pay bills, hydrate, and hate myself???
what do we want?
SELF CONFIDENCE.
when do we want it?
WHENEVER YOU HAVE TIME IF THAT’S OK?
My girlfriend just sighed and rolled her eyes at the same time. This is exactly what WebMD said I would die from.
A restaurant nearby was burglarized and concerned neighborhood residents awakened from sleep by the extra loud helicopter the police sent to deal with it are getting to the bottom of whether or not the restaurant’s food is good
The revolution will be televised, but interrupted by a live breaking story about a new panda at the zoo.
Museum Philanthropy: We stole all this shit, now you can look at it.
Enable location? Seriously, Twitter? Have you met some of these folks?
Me: The salad with chicken, cheese and can you put it between slices of bread?
Waiter: So a sandwich?
Me: I’d prefer if we called it a salad
Interviewer: “Are you good at making snap decisions?”
*20 minutes later*
Me: “No.”
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
Just watched my husband flick a stink bug from the ottoman and I am not okay.
How many bugs have just been relocated and not removed?!?
My kids can be difficult sometimes, but my mom always assures me that I deserve it.
I imagine Christmas morning at the Schrödinger house is quite stressful.
It’s hard for me to believe that the new Star Wars trailer has already been seen millions of times. How do they even know where it’s parked?
Legally you’re obligated to say “I’ll be glad when all this construction is finished” any time you drive through construction.
The wife wants me to be a doctor in our sex role playing. So I guess I’ll make her wait an hour, then send her to a specialist
who called it an advertising campaign and not an adventure
And then he tweeted…..
“SEE YOU IN COURT”
After just LOSING IN COURT‼️
“This smoothie is spicy!”
“Ma’am, that’s salsa.”
Smears cigarette ashes on forehead so I can show up late for work.
“well at least things can’t get any worse” has turned out to be a failure of my imagination
Whenever I’m having a bad day I think “Goddammit if a baby can hold their head up, then so can I.” Then I pee my pants and scream cuz that’s also what babies do.
Today there was a band-aid on my plate, a bat flew in the house, & a bee stung me. Today was brought to me by the letter B.
[telling a scary story to a group of moths] and when she opened the door..[holds flashlight to face] she- AH GET OFF OF ME YOU GUYS
you knew the backstreet boys were actually friends because when the one boy asks if hes “sexual” the rest of the boys all agree that he is
*corruptly eats pizza with a spork*