I dropped my soap in the shower. On purpose. Nothing happened. You guys are full of it.
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Me: Ok, the pan for homemade naan is heated and ready, rice is cooking, butter chicken is simmering, chicken nuggets for the younger kids are in the air frier, and veggies are steaming. Dinner may just be on time.
Narrator: Dinner was late. He forgot to turn on the air frier.
I grew up in a really small town. The closest thing we had to food delivery was someone egging your house.
A moth flies into your face out of nowhere. You could ask him why he does that, but what would you do with the information?
My 4yo sang Old MacDonald but in his version “on that farm he was a cow” which was a plot twist M. Night Shyamalan would be proud of
Guys I don’t think the people who run the world are very good
ME: *flipping over a saltine like a Tarot card* Oh that’s not good.
me, when I was a centaur and dropped a contact
Me: [to my sister] Oh yeah? If I’m not mom’s favorite, then why am I the only one she ever asks to housesit when she takes everyone on vacation each summer?
Therapist: Would you date yourself?
Me: No, I deserve better…
‘I like the smell of your meat’ may not have been the best greeting to the hot waiter at the BBQ joint I picked for lunch.
this is the most terrifying thing a parent has ever made for their child
Sure, everyone SAYS they want a painless death but when the guy shows up to give you one you start whining.
Her: Do you wanna do it?
Me: Do what?
Her: It.
Me: What’s it?
Her: You know… It.
Me: Oh… I call first player.
Her: Wait, what?
Please send me love and light I went on a walk today and I nodded + smiled politely at someone but they were a Halloween decoration.
5: I’ll fix it when you say “sorry” fifty times
3: ok. sorry fifty times
Son: My Jurassic Park game stopped working
Me: So, E reptile dysfunction?
Son:
Me:
Son: Where’s mom?
Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.
My grandpa used to eat onion sandwiches so yeah he and my grandma slept in separate bedrooms.
It helps to think of every business meeting as a game, where the object is to leave the room with fewer action items than anybody else.
My Ebola outbreak brings the CDC to the yard and they’re like, sir that’s just irritable bowel syndrome.
Carol got out of the car with a box of donuts, so helped her carry them in, who said chivalry is dead.
Can’t believe I went on a date with someone who did a background check on me and casually spent the rest of the night reciting facts about me to me, and then proceeded to continue going out with him.
Date: I like guys who are sensitive
Me *through mouthful of ice cream* this hurts my teeth
[Wife finds me crying on kitchen floor]
Me: I fell & spilled honey on myself.
Wife:
Me: Will you ki
Wife: I’m not kissing your Honey Boo Boo
My favorite thing to do when my grandkids visit is to bake a big batch of fresh cookies.
Then I eat them all by myself.
Screw those kids.
POLLY GETS A CRACKER WHEN HE STOPS REFERRING TO HIMSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON, and not a moment before. Stupid bird.
[deathbed]
ME: Dear?
WIFE: I’m here…don’t worry, all your affairs are in order
ME: You found out about my affairs?
WIFE: What?
ME: What?
A great summer prank is to park your car just outside the mall with a fully cooked ham in baby clothes strapped into a child seat.
wife: some salmon travel hundreds of miles upstream just for the chance to spawn
me: ok ok I’ll take my shoes off