19 is going to my 20 year reunion as me. Now we wait.
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Making core memories with my son by faking heart attacks in McDonald’s as a distraction while he steals mobile orders.
2yo: Mommy, you beautiful.
4yo: *snorts* Maybe if she brushed her hair.
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
My reading glasses would look good on your nightstand.
-Me, flirting.
Our mailman freaked out when he accidentally saw me naked.
So did all the other people at the post office.
“Is this InkJet any good?”
“Sure – we’ve sold it to royalty”
“Princesses?”
“Mate, it prints ALL the letters”
How am I supposed to be professional when something at work is called a dongle?
Def Leppard are a bunch of liars. I poured some sugar on a girl one time and it was a complete mess, she was not happy at all.
I shaved my legs today and drew the hair back on. I don’t get it, eyebrow ladies, I don’t get it.
me at a restaurant
waiter: here’s ur cup 🙂
me: oh thank you
waiter: *puts down cup*
me: thank you
waiter: *fills cup up with water*
me: thank you
waiter: i’ll be back soon with your food
me: thank you
I’m always there for my friends when I need them.
*shows up at your work*
“Hi, it’s me. From the internet.”
I don’t know what the 5 love languages are but one of them better have peanut butter inside
These people are screaming like they’ve never seen pompoms on an axe before.
[fumbling with my phone as I’m being murdered]
ME: *takes picture of my home screen*
Her: How often do you think about the Roman Empire
Me: Almost never.
Her: Oh that’s a relief.
Me: (goes back to thinking about the Romulan Empire)
“I can’t believe we’re selling this house. So many memories. Man, if walls could talk…”
WALL: “I saw you vacuum up your kid’s hamster.”
It just occurred to me that you could substitute Miranda rights for wedding vows. Verbatim
“Don’t ask.”
Oh. I wasn’t even listening.
Chief: You’re the WORST cop in the department! Hand over your gun and badge!
Me: *realising I left both in my son’s crib* Uhhhhh….
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
If I wanted to have a dry January, I would just look at a photo of my ex every morning.
I hate handshakes. The bones really mess up the blender and the knuckles are hard to swallow.
me: the doctor said i have to stay in bed
boss: ok how long?
me: just a normal bed
ROBIN: How come you wear dark colors but make me wear a bright yellow cape?
BATMAN: [under his breath] It’s called a bullet magnet.
ROBIN: What?
BATMAN: What?
Daughter asked who the princess of France was. When told there wasn’t one her eyes widened and she quietly asked if she could do it
You can tell a dad’s age by counting the number of hours he arrives early to the airport for a flight.
Her: Let’s just drop it.
Me: Fine.
Her:
Me:
Her: I just find it funny how…
Me: *opens car door and shoulder rolls out into traffic*
NYC parks department on naked Trump statue: “NYC Parks stands firmly against any unpermitted erection in city parks, no matter how small.”