I don’t have kids or a dog. What can I bring into a bar that will make everyone mad?
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[Elephant at a party] Nice piano!
[me] thanks
[Elephant] What are the keys made of?
[Me] Uhh..
[Rhino appears behind me] Tell him Kyle
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
look for my book on Amazon: What To Do When Your Teen May Be Abusing ADHD Meds But Goddammit His Chores Are Actually Done For Once
[greeting aliens]
Hello, we are the smartest animals on this planet. Every week we give the grass a little haircut
WHAT SIGN IS SHE
Summer vacation with my kids is just me asking, “Have you brushed your teeth today?”
Congratulations parents! You made it through the Terrible Twos! Your child is now three!
You’re gonna want to be sitting down for what I’m about to tell you…
Me: I want to buy this chicken
Farmer: Ok. Gonna take him home and eat him?
*imagines self fighting crime with new chicken buddy*
Me: Yes
how much my patient talks about their healthy choices
▶ 🔘──────── 00:05how much my patient talks about their single daughter
▶ 🔘──────── 74:36:15
If Die Hard isn’t a Christmas movie why do I spend the holidays hiding in the vents of my workplace?
Show someone you love them today by rearranging the apps on their phone.
In high school I wrote my crush a love note and signed it messy like a doctor, she loved it but thought it was my friend’s name.
Thanks to me they’ve been married for 17 years.
[preparing dinner]
Him: *making mashed potatoes* I feels like you don’t trust my cooking
Me: *also making mashed potatoes* don’t be silly
*gets lockjaw when putting on eyeliner*
I’m jealous of turtles, they can go home whenever they want.
I’ve never seen the movie Snakes On A Plane. What’s it about?
The letter C should make a “ch” sound. S and K got the rest covered. Waste of prime alphabet real estate and does nothing original without help from my man H.
Number of times husband has insisted a puzzle piece is missing: 434
Actual puzzle pieces missing so far: 0
I just want to walk in to a random workplace, put fish in the microwave for 10 minutes on high. Then just sit back and watch the fireworks.
Mom: Wanna help gift rap?
Me: In West Philadelphia born and raised on the playgro– oh you mean WRAP? Nah homegirl you’re on your own.
This gonna be me in 2 weeks
I don’t want to brag but I can still fit into the same clothes I wore an hour ago.
“I need a woman like you in my life”
Aww thanks, I hope you find her lol
[first day as a hairdresser]
customer: can you take off a foot?
me: *sharpening axe* no problem
I hired an insecurity guard. He said
“I hope you feel safe rn cuz I don’t know if I’m right for the job.”
My dog wants to register me as her emotional support animal. She’s already called the vet for the required paperwork and ordered me a vest.
My kid asked for 2 kinds of chicken nuggets, and like a ROOKIE I put them on the same plate
I wrote ‘I loathe ‘ and ac finished it with ‘people’. I’m gonna marry my phone.
*Arrives at the barbers*
“I’d like some highlights please”
*Barber puts on video of old haircuts*