Moaning “Oh God” on a Sunday morning is the closest I’ll get to church
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My teenager just got mad at me about something he THINKS his brother MIGHT say to him later.
Children are a blessing.
What are these silent battles people keep talking about? None of my battles were quiet. I literally screamed the entire time because that’s half the fun.
[eating something that until 40 years ago was considered a once-in-a-lifetime delicacy only fit for royalty]
Me: it’s a little cold 😤
[young Santa Claus’s dating profile] looking for a girl who loves snow, living in perpetual darkness and cooking for thousands of elf slaves
Qualifications for a job with the Kenyan government.
1. You must be old. Really old…like above 75 years old.
2.The older you’re, the higher your chances.
3. Death is an added advantage.
It’s not a walk of shame if you do the Macarena to your car.
Sometimes you send an email that requires a response, and the other person writes back right away, and it’s like NO NOT YET.
This is no longer winter this is harassment
Husband: Uses one pillow for his pillow wall.
Me: Adds 4 pillows, 12 bricks and 5 feet of 15.5 gauge barbed wire.
I can tell she’s pissed, the floors look amazing.
damn girl are you calculus because I have no idea what youre talking about
Where’s the gratification in tearing down another human being? It’s much easier to have heart, than walk w a self-inserted rod up your ASS.
[First day working in a warehouse]
ME: What’s that machine for?
“Oh, that’s the forklift”
ME: OH MY GOD HOW HEAVY ARE YOUR FORKS??
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [scanning menu] what page are u on
You look so comfortable in your own skin. Could I try it on?
The club can’t even handle me right now. Like, the club’s just had a very emotionally draining day and the club’s been in a weird place.
In a house with 1,000 bathrooms your kid will only be willing to use the one you’re in, there is nothing you can do to prevent this
why do chefs always have to cut everything so fast. It’s just an onion man why don’t you relax
Me: How was my snoring last night?
Wife [with earplugs in]: WHAT
[blind date]
Date: tell me about yourself in 6 words or less.
Me: I’m a creep, I’m a weirdo.
Date: [laughing] nice Radiohead reference!
Me: [laughing louder] what Radiohead reference?
“My homework ate my dog” -student in python breeding class
I’ve never owned a pair of spanx that didn’t eventually own me.
*walks into Forever 21*
*gets pulled aside*
Umm, we don’t really mean FOREVER.
without fail i always get felt up by the tsa which is fine because air travel is expensive and i want my money’s worth
If someone is whistling they:
1. Just killed someone
2. Are on their way to kill someone
3. Are plotting to kill someone
Another exciting afternoon in Cheltenham…
Golf would be better with landmines.
wife: what’s wrong?
slug: boss said I work slowly.
wife: he’s harsh. take it with a grain of-
slug: TAKE IT WITH A GRAIN OF WHAT, DIANE?
Neil Diamond: 🎶HANDS…
TOUCHIN’ HANDS🎶
CDC: NO