Sometimes you send an email that requires a response, and the other person writes back right away, and it’s like NO NOT YET.
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I’ve never met a pizza I didn’t want to get personal with.
Pictionary is the perfect game to play whenever you need an excuse to punch your friend in the face.
I’m at the dentist. They put a bib on me and left.
Are they preparing lobster? I hope they are preparing lobster.
ME: i have a separate stomach for dessert haha
COW: amateur
Legos cost way too much for smthg I still have to put together myself
The internet is magic sometimes.
Today my 3yo said that we should celebrate because today is my last birthday… WAIT YOU LITTLE NOSTRADAMUS SHIT WHAT DO YOU KNOW?
If anybody asks, we met teaching Sunday school.
The First Rule of Menopause Club:
We don’t talk PERIOD.
*Me presenting a life sized cardboard cutout of Keanu Reeves wearing a beret
Architecture Board: That’s not at all what “Neo-French” means…
Early in any job interview be sure to use the phrase “I always give 110%”, so you can quickly gauge their tolerance for working with idiots.
I can’t tell if a family in a movie is happy unless the kids are waking up their parents by jumping onto their bed and yelling about pancakes
One time i watched a movie where al pacino played a cop & then i watched another one where he was a real estate salesman & then another one where he was a union leader & i was all, like, “haha, can this guy NOT hold down a job?”
My 3yo niece wants dead grapes.
Raisins, she wants raisins.
After 17 years I can say with authority that the key to a long marriage is being too lazy to get up off the couch and set your spouse on fire
Am I afraid of the dark? No. Will I exit a basement after turning off the lights at normal speed? There is no amount of money in the world.
I’m going out to dinner at a fancy restaurant tonight and my husband texted me the menu so I can “plan all my questions for the waiter in advance.”
“I have a pleasure room, would you like to see it?”
Him: “…That’s a refrigerator”
Old Spice 14-in-1 body wash, shampoo, conditioner, face wash, moisturizer, toothpaste, super glue, mouth wash, shaving cream, caulk, aftershave, lube, energy drink, cream cheese
Why do they call it “a crystal meth addiction” and not “methamaddicts?”
FOR THE LAST TIME, MY EYES ARE UP HERE
I yelled at my gynecologist
(trying to indicate to my partner that i would like another beer if theyre getting up, but using only skills i learned from point and click adventure games) wow, i could really go a beer right now. maybe some beer would help in this situation. i think there’s some beer over there
My son is playing his first soccer game tonight and I’m pretty stoked he wasn’t the first kid to start eating the grass
Me: “I love you.”
4: “Thanks. I love Batman.”
cat guru: ask yourself – what is the sound of a hairless cat coughing up a hairball
I answer with an automatic “Yes” each time my mom says “Oh, have I told you…?” I could miss out on something good but chances are slim.
I can’t lose this last 20 pounds so I’m just telling everyone that I’m pregnant now.
[blind date]
Me: Oooh here she comes. Ok fella act cool. YOU GOT THIS
Her: Hi, I’m Linda
Me: *nose-whistles Despacito in its entirety*
I know you’re the instructor but I’ve seen Ghost 47 times so I know for a fact this IS how pottery is made!
If bowser kidnapped my wife, I would not be saying “wahoo” no matter how fun the jump was