[emerges from time machine back in present day]
I did it. I got Hitler rejected from art school, saving German art from years of mediocrity
You Might Also Like
Cop: ma’am i pulled you over because you were tailgating me
Me: okay first of all, if you didn’t want me tailgating you maybe you shouldn’t have a dog in the car
Guys that have a hard time meeting girls, have you tried painting some wings on the side of a building and waiting for them to come take pictures?
Physiotherapist: So tell me how you injured yourself?
Me: Rock climbing.
PT:
Me:
PT:
Me: *whispers* taking off my sports bra.
time machine? you mean a clock?
Given the American diet, don’t you think we’d have greater success locating missing children if we put their faces on liters of soda?
I will flirt with you but honestly neither of us will have any idea it’s happening
Does your life really flash before your eyes or is it just your brain closing all open tabs one last time
When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
Parents please check your kids’ Halloween candy. Just found an orca inside of a Hershey bar. Stay safe this Halloween.
Every earthquake is a reminder that you drunk-ate the good granola bars out of the earthquake kit eight years ago and never restocked them.
Talk to the hand. The hand is lonely and needs some company. What are you up to? How’s work? You look great. You want some tea?
My 6yo has invented this new thing called “dessert for lunch” and it basically means he can have ice cream after lunch because he’s definitely gonna eat all his dinner. Definitely.
Over 400 billion people a year are victims of exaggerated statistics.
Job interviewer: so what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: job interviews mostly
Jesus. But make it not Jesus and not fashion.
Great way to make friends is to pee in the same urinal someone else is already using.
WAITER: Ready to order?
ME: First, I’d like to hear the chef’s special
WAITER: Oh yes he’s very special
[chef in background sheds a tear]
I don’t know why people say life is short….this seems to be taking forever.
some dogs can find bodies that have been buried for years & mine can’t even find a cracker that hit him in the face on the way to the floor
Installed a new high-tech toilet. It’s now holding my bathroom hostage and demanding a Wi-Fi password.
Pro tip: fake having telekinesis powers by throwing stuff at people as soon as they’re not looking
Before I met my wife I only used bar soap in the shower.
Last week I threw a tantrum like a five year old because I ran out of ocean salt scrub for my beard.
How many virgins do I get from dying of embarrassment? Does anyone know?
Complete list of all the words I know to “The Macarena”:
1- Hey
2- Macarena
“President Clinton, can you respond to rumors of renewed infidelity?”
The only woman in my life is my darling *squints at notecard* Hitlery
Outside, contemplating life, love, and happiness and if I should tell the neighbor that his kid has been stuck in a tree for three hours.
The doctor asked if I was sexual active.
I shook my head and said “Not in front of the wife”.
The only good thing about people who wear too much cologne is that they’re easier to set on fire.
Victor Frankenstein being only 23 years old when he made the monster is crazy to me, he should have been at the club.
I went the wrong way down the grocery store aisle and you’d think I was looking at a 10 year prison sentence with the way Karen reacted.