By 33, you’d think I’d have figured out at some point along the way where to put my arms when I sleep.
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We never got the wreath, but we put up the hanger. This shows intent.
The truck in front of me is hauling a fridge. Freezer just flew open and a chicken nugget hit my windshield.
Day. Made.
Prank Idea For The Ladies:
Swallow a plastic dinosaur, then make an appointment to get an ultrasound.
[wife calling make-a-wish foundation]
he says he’s “dying from ennui” does that count
everything i’ve learned about megan fox and machine gun kelly has been against my will
My friend asked me today if I started Christmas shopping.
I’m crying. While digging a hole to bury her.
At cardio class tonight, a 22yo size 0 told me “you run fast for someone your age” so now I have a body to bury if anyone wants to help me.
*stares into distance*
Distance: Please stop staring. It’s rude.
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[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: 😮 hampire
Her: I like long walks on the beach.
Me: Is there WiFi?
Her: Where?
Me: The beach.
Her: What?…No.
Me: We should see other people.
*seductively eats two tums*
Chamomile tea makes chamomile pee.
Customer: Excuse me, are you the manager? Those Xmas Hams are expired
Manager: Um…
[changes sign to “Vintage Hams”]Hipster: I’ll take 4
*wakes up before alarm goes off*
please be 5am please be 5am
*checks time*
2:34pm, februrary 25, 2054. NOOOOOOOOO
My daughter just found the dog leash and collar
Which would be less awkward to explain if we actually had a dog
Me: How can I make this funny?
Them: Change what funny is.
Tried to update the Ryanair app but it downloaded on someone else’s phone 80 miles away.
Me: A coworker called me ‘Papa Hemingway’ today.
Her: Because of your beard?
Me: Well it wasn’t because of my Nobel in Literature.
[The Rapture]
Me: *trapped on the ceiling like a balloon*
Due to the current economic situation, I’ve decided to start a dating site for chickens.
It’s not my full time job.
I’m just doing it to make hens meet.
🤣🤣💀
Look lady, you’ve already taken my money so put that Oompa Loompa costume on and let’s do this.
a gander reveal party where everyone thinks the invitation had a typo but they get there and it’s just a duck
I want to make some business cards with this image so when people are like “what’s your type” I can just hand them one and say idk these are all men I’m attracted to, y’all figure it out
My cat knocked my phone into the toilet so now I have to shop for a new cat.
It’s super offensive when they move on before you did.
Bless you
*walks into a room full of people*
*looks around*
*answers fake phone call*
*leaves*
The Sumerians may have invented writing, but the T-Rex invented shorthand.