My favorite part about Black Friday is the part where I go to the mall, find a great parking spot & sit in my car with the reverse lights on
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[Biblical Times]
God: oh shit
Angel: what?
God: I just realized I’ve been leaning on the frog button
Just reported my neighbors to Belgian authorities because they have a dog named Waffle.
Someone should figure out how to turn children arguing into energy. We would be able to power the whole damn world.
[on the sixth question in two minutes]
4: what does “not” mean
me: I think you’re going to have to ask Alexa these questions.
4: but i’m trying to keep you busy.
I save a lot of money on all my tooth extractions by engaging in street fights..
I’ve literally never clicked copied and pasted text and thought, “I’m so glad it kept the formatting and font from the other document.”
There is no faster mammal on the planet than the parent of a toddler carrying a Sharpie.
the small neighbor human. is hanging outside with some ice cream. and it is melting. way faster than it is being eaten. the only real solution here. is for me to trot over and help
BREAKING: Pot calls kettle “black”. “Racial tension at boiling point” says mayor of kitchen cupboard
*opens facebook messenger*
*sips mtn dew twice*
*strokes neckbeard*
*begins typing*
Sorry abt ur mom dying
Tis a shame
Btw ur attractive
Welcome to marriage. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can be used against you in a court of in-laws
My sister sent me a pic of her wedding dress and said it looked better on to which I asked on what, fire?
I’m going to the gym. If you don’t hear from me again…I died.
ME, anxiously practicing in mirror: Thanks a LOT. Thanks A lot. THANKS a lot.
*doorbell*
DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your food.
ME, blurting: THANKS A LOT OF DELIVERY GUYS GET KIDNAPPED
sometimes I throw random produce into my basket at the grocery store so I don’t look like an 8 year old who just got an advance on their allowance
Canada’s got it right, when they don’t want a citizen, they just convince them they have talent so they move to the US. #JustinBeiber
In Germany Die Hard is called The Hard
My original account got suspended for aggressive behavior and they haven’t even seen me in bed yet.
[at the opera]
Date: this is going on forever
Me: oh, they can’t stop until I sing
Work tip: Anytime someone leaves a room, ominously say, “And they never saw him again.”
“I’m sorry, it’s too late in the series run to introduce a major character.” – me, meeting anyone new.
baby it’s cold outside but for introverts –
baby – 🎵 I really can’t staaay … 🎵
me – oh dear, that is a shame …
baby – 🎵 I have to go a … 🎵
me – ok, bye!
Bear of bad news: Hey, sport. You might wanna be sitting down. Ready? Oh god how do I put this? I’m gonna have to maul the shit out of you.
Crazy how your teeth are just part of your skull hanging right out in the open before you’re even dead.
Me: *crying* B-but… but you said…
Waiter: *sigh* “Unlimited” breadsticks, I know ma’am, but we’re closing now & you have to go
It’s getting harder and harder to watch teen shows and movies and not side with the parents
‘High five!’
*steals your snacks, runs away
Do ducks and geese ever sit in a circle and play “ape ape human”?
Canadian Thanksgiving isn’t the same day as Thanksgiving in the US because Canadians already put gravy on everything every day.