Gentle reminder to send that good morning text so she doesn’t have to draw on her angry eyebrows.
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I told my 8yo to stop fighting with her sister, and she said “I’ll stop fighting with my sister when you stop fighting with yours.”
Take one positive friend and one negative friend with you on your next road trip. That way when your battery dies, you can hook cables to them and start your car
I blink one eye at a time because flying squirrels can attack at any moment.
You can only regret what you remember.
-Tequila
I opened Match and Tinder on my Kindle Fire and it burst into old flames.
No regrets in 2018
my retirement plan is recording a hit Christmas song, i just need to learn how to sing and write music
[introducing myself to new boyfriends parents]
“Hi, I usually don’t make it this far”
[wife looking at sketch of donut burglar on the news]
“he looks like you”
[me holding huge glass of milk on way to basement] it’s not though
My 12yo daughter has a male friend in her room right now and I just heard her say the word “romance” through the door, so if you need me I’ll be knocking on their door with panic-snacks every 10 minutes and weeping salty dad-tears the rest of the time
“Can I get a do-over?” – Me, playing golf, tennis (or pretty much any sport), taking a test, having sex, making a speech, living my life….
jury duty is so unserious. like uh oh it’s time for my government-mandated gossiping!
me in the kitchen: how do i crack an egg
me watching great british bake off: what kind of an idiot forgets to poke steam holes in their banquet pie
Everyone thinks I’m weird for carrying mini tools in my handbag, until they need to fix their glasses or cut up a body.
Do you ever wonder if your parents spoil your kids to get back at you for what you put them through as a teenager? Because I’m totally thinking of doing that.
If you’re getting serious about someone, check what number their toaster is set on, because that’s what you’re going to be living with.
I don’t care if you talk behind my back. Just speak up so I can hear you too.
Don’t flatter yourself, any type of milkshake brings me to the yard.
If your cat has ever accidentally fallen into the tub while you were taking bath, you’ve known chaos.
(Court)
Judge: You’re on trial for excessive use of astronomy puns. How do you plead?Defendant: *leans in until lips are on mic* No comet.
Me: ‘This may be the booze talking, but that is a VERY snazzy outfit you have on there.’
Cop: ‘Step out of the car, please.’
Found out Ludacris married a girl I went to high school with and it really made me rethink some things. Can’t help but feel like if I had played my cards right maybe Ludacris would have married me
If I lived in a small town where no one locked their doors I’d have an alligator moat
“It’s a funeral”, they said. “Wear black”, they said. “Who’s the idiot dressed as Zorro?”, they said
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who didn’t really want you to take a bite of the cookie he offered you
You know what this healthy salad needs? Stale bread
– the inventor of croutons
Call me crazy but it looks like cage free eggs come in little cages to me.
A guy in my class stopped me today as I was walking out and said “I gotta show you this girl she’s your literal twin” and then showed me my own Instagram