(way too loud, trying not to get murdered) Wow, the Boeing corporation’s manufacturing quality is top notch, outclassed only by their generous workplace policies
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i’m gonna write my will in cursive. if you want your inheritance, you’re gonna have to work for it
Who do you reach for in the middle of the night?
me, thinkng about the bottle of tums on my nightstand: definitely you babe
*eats pizza out of box in bed
*falls asleep
*wakes up next to leftover pizza
Voila! Breakfast in bed!
Ok so when the clock does it, it’s fine, but when I do it, I’m “cutting ahead of 45 people in airport security”?
ME: I want to take long walks with you.
HER: Aww…are you a romantic?
ME: No, I don’t have a car.
Oldest kid: [Sick]
Youngest kid: [Sick]
Wife and me: [Staring each other down]
Wife: [Sneezes]
Me: Hahaha there can only be one-
Wife: [Sneezes on me]
[planning heist]
Me: then we access the vault
Guy: I don’t think they have a vault
Me [mocking]: yeah I bet they jus leave the Mcflurrys out
Me: I hate being quarantine alone. I wish I lived with someone.
Mom: take your father, he’s driving me insane
Me: I’m good
Your call will be answered in the order in which we draw names from a hat.
In an incredible turn of events we’ve been informed that the zodiac killer has killed himself after being mistaken for Ted Cruz
I like when players of opposite teams hug after the game as if to say, “We’re all so very, very rich.”
break the monotony of your uber driver’s day by saying “sorry about your car” as you get out
1st day of hunting season:
*puts on camo*
*climbs up in tree stand*
*waits w/binoculars to see one hunter accidentally shoot another hunter*
*Rap battle*
Me: *lips on mic* PLEASE STOP DROPPING THE MIC. IT WAS A BIRTHDAY PRESENT FROM MY MOM.
My niece thinks she’s more mature than me because she listens to Beethoven.
His movies sucked plus why would I wanna listen to dog music?
My auto reply to texts:
I would love to, but I have to [verb] a [noun] .
My neighbours just submitted a petition that I stop setting traps for stray pigs after I caught my 16th police man today.
shop assistant: can i help you find something?
me: a meaningful connection in an improbable world filled with chaotic and ultimately meaningless coincidences
shop assistant:
me: or laundry detergent
“You gotta keep ‘em separated” – The Offspring doing their laundry
Laser hair removal? Uhhh, why would anyone with laser hair ever want to get it removed?
Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not buying McDonald’s. What do you want me to make?
Child: A Big Mac.
Chicken bread
*watches wife take out ice cream
*watches wife scoop ice cream into bowl
*watches wife eat ice cream
Me: SO WHATCHA DOIN’
fighting against the coronavirus by wildly swinging a broom as though there is a bird in the house
[leaving the inventor of the piñata’s funeral] good lord
My kid: Hey mom, do we stop growing when we get older?
Me: *with a mouthful of mashed potatoes* Not in my experience honey
My mom just asked me if the yams are organic like she didn’t raise me on penicillin steroid cow meat and food coloring
Interviewer: Tell me some of your strengths.
Me: …dare.
Helped a stranger at the gym write a break up text today so yeah, that English degree is really paying off.