Shout out to hotel maids changing sheets on February 15th.
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To the person who wrote ‘Most likely to be attacked by a seagull’ in my high school yearbook…well played Sir, your prophecy was fulfilled today.
“I don’t understand why people try to act drunk. I spend most of my time trying to act sober.” – Florida State
Me: my personality is broken I’m here to buy a new one
Psychiatrist: that’s not how therapy works-
Me: [slides $20] I want to be cool
hackers play passwordle
Sometimes, I just want to be taken seriously. And sometimes, I just want to be taken, seriously.
*sees lawn gnome cartwheel into room*
*calls to renew prescription*
FRIEND: Hey can I see your tattoo of a bat?
ME: My what?
FRIEND: Your tattoo.
ME: ?
FRIEND: *Sigh* Your battoo.
ME: Of course!
Just finished the first chapter of this novel. Tons of characters with the same name and really hard to follow.
Sir, that’s a phone book.
Wins the Internet today. Night, all…
You don’t marry the good parts of a person, you marry the entire person–their faults & failures included. The trick is to look beyond the negative & focus on the parts you love.
If you were my wife and you came home to that note on top of a broken vase would you still be mad?
*eats an entire box of cereal in one sitting*
Wtf there’s no prize in this?
“Sir, we don’t sell cereal. This is Petsmart.”
HER: knock it off!
CAT: lol ok
me: do we have anything for a headache
wife: try the cupboard
me: won’t that get stuck in my throat
*looks over shoulder*
*puts tiny piece of paper in trash*Wife (from upstairs): THAT CAN BE RECYCLED!!!
The bruises on my arms? They are definitely NOT from getting my arms stuck in the UPS drop box.
Me: Mmm these are so good! They just melt in your mouth
Cook: Those are ice cubes
Me: Delicious. How are they prepared?
me: Gary, plse hand me the vial of ultra contagious lethal virus with no known cure
Gary, who up until now has never dropped anything: ok
I can’t wait to see my older sister so she can point out I have more gray hair than she does.
This transition of power reminds me of when my grandma turned over Thanksgiving duties to my mom and the night ended with police showing up.
Megan, but with an H? Whatever you say, girls named Hmegan.
I can also cook 😂
age 12: fell off of bike at high velocity onto gravel road. biked 5 miles home
age 42: used wrong pillow. back was nonfunctional for 2 days.
Me: Babe, out of my purse can you bring me my…
*Husband brings entire purse*
I took two years of anger management courses
Now I’m the manager of four brand new anger stores
Parenting during the month of May has gotten so overwhelming that I’m trying to think of a minimally-invasive surgery I could schedule to get a few days of downtime
I’m surprised carving faces into vegetables after pulling out their innards isn’t incorporated into more American Holidays.
My wife says the sweetest things in the morning like”Love you,” & “DID YOU SERIOUSLY EAT ALL THE COOKIE DOUGH FOR BREAKFAST WHAT IS WRONG WI
People on tiktok r like “I bought the viral mascara so you don’t have to” and im like when did I have to……
[guy at party who’s embarrassed that he’s allergic to cats] how funny would it be if we snorted a line of Zyrtec hahah
Being unable to recreate this high is why we all have depression.