The mail slot on your door is so you can tell the mailman you love him
You Might Also Like
If you ever see me on my death bed, please take me off my death bed & move me to my alive bed thx
My daughter just announced she’s SICK of stupid-ass people. I said “Oh darlin, you’re gonna feel ill for a long time.. they’re everywhere.”
Comic Sans walks into a bar. Barman says “sorry we don’t serve your type in here”
Pspspspsps works on people too, not just cats
My insurance company said if my tent is stolen while I’m camping, I won’t be covered.
You must be radiating feminine mystique because every man in the cafe is looking at you, and then you realize there’s a TV over your head.
Inventor of raisins: “What do you like about grapes”
me: the juice part, the freshness
Inventor: right but what if they had neither
When asked about performing in a musical for Andrew Lloyd Webber, Meatloaf was quoted as saying “Oh I would do anything for Lloyd, but I won’t do Cats!”
i’m lonely just not “inventor of the boomerang” lonely
I just think mosquitos should go vegan and stop eating me alive
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
My nephew, who’s about to turn 9, has asked for only one thing for his birthday: a clown ventriloquist puppet. In other news, I told my sister I’m no longer available for babysitting
“Siri, show me justifiable homicide.”
I really need to go on the show Survivor. Not for the money or the fame. It’s just the only way I’m ever gonna effectively lose weight.
By age 35 you should:
-live in a cave on a mountain
-hate everyone
-try to destroy christmas at least once
-develop the capacity for empathy and compassion but only after your scheme fails
My daughter said she got caught zoning out when her friends asked her a question so to look engaged she just made up an answer and I’m so proud she’s the Dad of her 6th grade crew.
I don’t make the rules sorry
I got replaced as Romeo in the high school play because the girl playing Juliet kept stabbing herself in Act I.
he died doing what he loved: trying to find out if gang members are ticklish
I changed my mind..🐕🐾🍪😅
The early bird catches a worm. The on-time bird catches a different worm. The late bird also catches a worm. There are tons of worms and they have no human concept of time
[police chasing man on foot]
Police: STOP RIGHT THERE!
Man: *breathless* Oh God! I can’t run anymore.
Police: *grinning* sounds like you need… arrest.
Noah’s Ark was so unrealistic. Have you ever tried to pen up velociraptors? Did the guy who wrote the Bible even watch Jurassic Park first?
Spice up your confession by changing ‘Father’ to ‘Daddy’
[Watching Netflix]
ME: Ohhhhh…I never thought about paying off a funeral home to get rid of the body…genius.
HIM: What??
ME: What?
GOLFER: what r u thinkin
ME (caddying): honestly sometimes i wake up & am mad that im not dead
GOLFER: jesus. i meant what club should i use
When no one stars a tweet, I tell myself it was probably appreciated by hundreds of shy people.
horrifying if literal: the electric slide
“So what do you do?”
I’m a wordsmith
“A what?”
A writer. I deal with words. How about you?
“Oh I’m a uh… weedsmith”
Eric Clapton *fumbling with a gun*
Sheriff: I’ve a bad feeling about this
Deputy: I’m surprisingly calm