[Darth Vader sitting down]
DV: *takes sip of smoothie before spitting it out* What’s this?!? I said strawberry-banana!
Aid: We thought you might want to try kale again for your health my Lord
DV: You thought?
*begins force choking*
You have kale’d me for the last time
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Waving my hand impatiently in front of the automatic door sensor so everyone knows I am too important to wait for electricity.
Why do people always talk in absolutes? I would never do that. It’s the worst.
Encore…
(At the bar)
Woman: Hi, I think I’ve seen you somewhere before.
Me: Must be Twitter
Her: Did you say Tinder?
Me: Ya know, maybe that was it
me: I’m into essential oils
pal: oh yeah, what’s ur favourite
me: canola
Ferrari squats
[My date and I both speak at the same time]
Me: Haha sorry! You go firstDate: I was just gonna say I love this wine, and the food is delicious. What were you gonna say?
Me: Should male sheep be called heep?
[prison]
me: I think I’m breaking out
cell mate: no way that’s insane
me: I know my skin is usually like never this bad
Officer: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: Um…could you give me a hint?
O: You were sp–
M: No, don’t tell me-I said a hint.
O: Sir…
Me: Hey, do you want to –
My 13 Year Old: No.
Hi 911, I’d like to report a drunk naked guy blasting off truck nuts w/ a shotgun. Time of incident? [takes drink] In about 20 minutes lol
[science fair]
Kid: I made a volcano!
Judge: *trampling children* EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF!
I would like to give a big shout out to the one person in my life who doesn’t accuse me of being insane. So, thank you, to the little old lady who lives in my hair.
Everyone goes through a phase where they think they can speak Italian
Stayed up to watch the clock go from 1:59 to 1:00 am because you know, time travel
My mom just texted me to say that her dog killed 2 groundhogs in her backyard this morning so I think she may be doing Groundhog Day wrong.
[trying to climb out of beanbag chair] Divorce?
Kid: Can I eat candy for breakfast?
Me: No of course not! Now finish your donuts.
Jingle Bell Rock implies the existence of Jingle Bell Paper and Jingle Bell Scissors.
ME: sorry boss, can’t come in today. i’m sick as a dog.
DOG: [heelys passed – smoking a pipe] you wish, bro
I grew up during the time when every home had a sewing machine but no one knew how to use it or where it came from.
do you think when firefighters blow out their birthday candles it’s just like more work to them
I don’t like to say “bless you” when someone sneezes because I don’t know if they’re religious or not. So instead I just say “I hope you never do that again”
I just wanna borrow one of your kidneys. Just for like a sec.
Don’t forget to sacrifice your own personal goals to live up to someone else’s expectations today!
My daughter just found the dog leash and collar
Which would be less awkward to explain if we actually had a dog
BABY COW: [points at human] What’s that?
OLDER COW: That is a milk dracula
😜
I showed my kids how to use encyclopedias. I stacked four of them to reach something on the top shelf.