The wife is out of town so you know what that means. That’s right, unsupervised eating.
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I’m a disaster playing scrabble with the kids. I know all these disgusting words.
It’s your fault.
How to lose weight:
1. Name your kid Weight
2. Take it to the mall
My work here is done
ME: Cant sleep. Theres too much going on in the world
MY WIFE: Whats bothering u?
ME: If Garfield didnt have a job, why did he hate Mondays?
Him: you’re beautiful.
Her: no I’m not, hehe.
Him: yes, you are.
Her: you’re crazy, I’m hideous.
Him: oh, ok. I see it now.
Them: you can’t handle this d…
Me:
TECH HIRING MANAGER: Have you done IT work before?
PENNYWISE: Done IT? Pal, I’ve lived IT
There’s no crisis in life that frying a potato can’t solve
Just congratulated my ex on dating someone so young that her Throwback Thursday photos are just pictures of her pregnant mom. I’m a dream.
Me: will I find a wife
Fortune teller: no
Me: u didnt do the thing with the cards
Fortune teller [flips one card, maintains eye contact]: no
After I mow my lawn, I give my neighbor about 72 hours to respond.
@Book_Krazy @funTweeters 🙂
Me: *points at romantic relationships*
God: *slaps my hand* NO
It’s National Compliment Day.
So here goes.*clears throat
Some of you are not so bad.
she’s already got guys telling her she’s beautiful. be different. send her a cheese board.
I saved my husband’s life insurance company 1 million dollars by switching to xanax.
The average lifespan of a cheesecake in my house is about 2.5 hours.
My 3yo explaining pizza delivery:
“You hear the doorbell, then you open the door, then a person is suddenly there, and then they give you a pizza. And then they disappear into the night.”
RELATIONSHIP STATUS: Praying for telemarketers to call so I can experience human contact as I slowly dissolve into dust
GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!
A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.
Player 1: There goes his funny bone.
Player 2: *buzz* Don’t touch the sides!
Surgeon: What are you two doing in here?!
My parallel parking skills are unparalleled.
59 days until Christmas. I better start untangling the lights.
I’m not high maintenance at all. All I want from a partner is the understanding that I need to feel worshipped whilst also being mostly left alone.
“Look at me at me when I’m talking to you, lady. Oh, no, no, not you, lady. I call my daughter lady. I’m so sorry.”
* me, in public on more than one occasion.
Shakespeare: ugh! I do no want to people today
Bee: that’s funny. It doesn’t even occur to me whether or not I want to bee
Shakespeare: *discreetly taking notes
The last time I did my happy dance I got pepper-sprayed.
I hate when idiots are like “Just punch a shark in the nose and he’ll leave.” Yea, just punch a submerged 2 ton killing machine in the nose.