My cat will:
Climb a tree
Walk along a narrow wall
Leap onto the roof
Drop onto a rainwater tank
Jump down to a tiny exposed windowsill
Reverse and jackknife through a small window… all to avoid entering the house via the open front door.
You Might Also Like
I would like to give a big shout out to the one person in my life who doesn’t accuse me of being insane. So, thank you, to the little old lady who lives in my hair.
Let’s name our sandwich shop after smelly trains.
I show dominance by ordering something completely different after asking you what’s good here.
interviewer: can you explain these gaps in your resume?
me: umm I believe those are from the space bar
FRIEND 1: wanna see a pic of my cat
ME: yes!
FRIEND 2: wanna see a pic of my bird
ME: yes!
FRIEND 3: wanna see a pic of my dog
ME: omg yes!
FRIEND 4: wanna see a pic of my baby
ME: ugh fine
son: I don’t think he likes me
wife: your dad just has a hard time showing affection
me: [holding bag of doritos] GOD I LOVE DORITOS
dog: [watching me take a shit] awkward, isn’t it
Love it when boxers go back to their corner to get advice between rounds. Did you try punching him and not letting him punch you? You did? Then I don’t know what to tell you. Keep doing that but more.
How to kill a spider: get a piece of tissue paper, approach it slowly, and very carefully, burn the house down.
[cops showing wife my body]
“Why is he 50m from where he got shot?”
“Our best guess was he tried crawling home to clear his browser history”
If I’m guilty of anything it’s that I care too much, that and murder
On this day eleven years ago, Greece won Euro 2004.
Today, Greece would be happy with 2004 Euros.
Google search history:
Marawana
Marjawana
Is there a j in marawana
Wheat
Wheat for smoking
Free wheet
What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
Dear Guy who backs into his parking spot every time,
You are not Jason Bourne. You do not need a rapid egress contingency from Quiznos
Assert dominance by throwing your poop at a monkey first.
Me: Can I pet your dog?
Stranger: sure
M: one more time
S: uh, ok
M: again
S: maybe you should get your own
M: pet
S: we have to go
M: mine
“Will you stop CHOKING?”
First Aid in my house, apparently.
Her: I’m really into eating clean.
Me: (trying to impress her) I also use many napkins.
I had two mice from the local church at my door last night.
They wanted to talk to me about cheeses
WAITER: how would you like your eggs
ME: nogged
Happy Star Wars day!
[High school reunion]
Me: I’m in the army now.Friend: I thought you were either going to be a referee or an attorney.
Me: Yeah I couldn’t decide between boxers and briefs so I went commando
gonna make a bumper sticker for my car that says “MY KID IS SMARTER THAN YOU’RE KID” just to troll the grammar nazis behind me
I never pay for drinks I just insult women at bars & when they throw drinks in my face I open my mouth haha thanks for the free booze ladies
I have a huge gash in my forehead. I’m going to assume I got up in the middle of the night, fought some crime, and went back to bed.
Never underestimate what a woman will do for love.
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 to frown, how do we tell if someone’s happy and not just lazy?
Me: *taking an art appreciation class*
Instructor: Please bring my students back