what scared me at age 8:
-quicksand
-snakes
-boat scene from willy wonkawhat scares me now:
-dying alone
-boat scene from willy wonka
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Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
It’s when I saw the children playing with their toys completely wrong that I knew I had to step in
This is a little film called, “Trying to Describe Myself to My Lyft Driver So He Can Find Me”
Women’s voices naturally get higher as they get excited so if you’re in bed and she still sounds like Morgan Freeman, try harder.
We’re having sweet potato fries with dinner
“Haha sweet potatoes?”
DON’T
“Don’t what?”
You’re gonna make a dumb potato pun
“I YAM NOT!”
“i am a sweet baby”
Everybody makes mistakes their first camping trip. For starters, going camping.
Van lifers be like “we converted our minivan into a mobile home for our family of 12 with 7 pets!”
@Book_Krazy @funTweeters 🙂
Jello shots because who doesn’t like adding a lot of work and time to taking a shot…
Snap: i’m snap
Crackle: i’m crackle
Dad: hi snap and crackle i’m pop
Vegans with children named ‘Hunter’ are why I lie awake at night.
None of the parenting books prepared me for my teen asking me what “the carpet matches the drapes” means.
What if they close the grocery stores and we actually have to hunt for our food?
I don’t even know where little Debbie lives.
When serial killers can’t afford to travel, they take slaycations
Ladies, the day after Halloween don’t forget to buy all the discounted blood capsules to keep in your mouth for when men tell you to smile.
Me as a therapist: omg same
I said “Candyman” 5 times into the bathroom mirror and sure enough some woman came out of the stall and screamed at me for being in there.
the host of the party told me to make myself comfortable so I went back home to bed
[first time trying standup]
Me: So, I was talking to a friend recen-
*from the back* LOL YEAH RIGHT
Me: Please, mom, not now
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy asking him to stop eating all the snacks I bought for school lunches dammit.
If you’re wondering how punctuation can be used to create suspense,
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
Still no power, and it looks like it’ll be off at least a few more days. So, it’s Mexican takeout by candlelight. Just like the original 12 wise men.
Microsoft Word is the most sensitive thing ever. You move something half an inch and all the pictures move, 3 new pages inserted, fire alarm goes, thunder and lightning, volcano erupts, stock market collapses
[puts dog in car]
Me to wife: just gonna take her to the vet
Wife: why u whispering
[car screeches away]
Me with wife in headlock: thats why
The irony of the gay pride flag is that it clashes with everything.
I have this odd feeling that I’m going to be that crazy old lady that yells at everyone to get off the lawn.
From my apartment balcony.
I just kept my pants buckled for 30 minutes straight so I think I know a little bit about endurance training, Sheila
sure, I’m hype for tekken because video game but I’m also here for the soundtrack