Me: Can I get you a drink?
Her: I don’t know. Can you?
Me: *checking wallet* No.
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no one ever talks about the cheerful reaper.
Snake: Oh shit it’s a wolf we gotta run
Armadillo: Go on without me
Snake: no just-
Armadillo: @
Snake: Wait where the hell are you
Armadillo: @
Me at 15: I can’t wait to make my own money and buy whatever I want
Me now: *rinses off a sliced cheese that fell on the floor*
If you go to the zoo & slap your chest at the gorilla, he sees it as aggressive behavior and WILL challenge you to a Mario Kart race.
OMG a turtle is coming to kill you, Walk for your life.
I make all my clothing choices based on what I would look like if I’m unexpectedly asked to bounce on a trampoline at some point in the day.
[middle of a heated argument]
Him: I’m leaving you
Her: fine with me, I’ll get the door for you *opens the oven*
“First gay marriage. What’s next – people marrying dogs?!”
*nervous glance at dog
Dog: Frank, we’ve been over this. I like you as a friend
[trying to impress a girl]
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *flies off treadmill*
No, YOUR illiterate.
[Wedding meal]
*taps wine glass until everyone stops talking and I stand up to speak* I need more wine
HER: I can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime
ME: I can change Becky
HER: promise?
ME: into a semi truck
Me: babe, I don’t mean to be THAT person but you breathe way too loud & I can’t fall asleep.
*Vader grabs a blanket & moves to the couch*
Obi-wan: You look different.
Vader: You left me burning alive in lava with no arms and legs.
Obi-wan: I thought maybe you got a haircut.
some things should go without saying
*Takes off FitBit*
Ok, weigh me now
Me: Hello?
Satan: I’d like to make a return
Me: ALL SALES ARE FINAL
7-year-old: Can we leave the house?
Me: We could go for a walk.
7: And then what?
Me: Come back to the house.
7: I’ll just stay here.
So many idiots speed past my house that when someone is actually going the speed limit I take cover and assume it’s a drive-by.
“You accept unused items as well, right?”, I ask the Goodwill employee as I hand her a stack of recipe books.
The first person to eat a fortune cookie probably ate the paper too, which is unfortunate
I better not wake up later and find out stuff is still happening.
families in horror movies buying houses: hey let’s get the haunted af one
A group of owls is called a flight of stares.
As homeschooling draws to a close for the summer I realise my 8yo may not have learned how to do fractions but he also learned very little about anything else
I’ll see the eclipse when it’s out of theaters and on cable in 3 months.
One of the most romantic things a rose can do for another rose is leave a trail of human body parts from the front door to the bedroom.
Interviewer: Why did you leave your job as a customer service representative?
Me: The phone calls kept interrupting my nap.
Sleeping Beauty has a pretty good situation going on until Prince Charming came and screwed it up.