Him: What kind of idiot are you?
Me: I didn’t know I had a choice. What are the options?
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If Batman gets to use a piece of Kryptonite against Superman, Superman should get to use a piece of Batman’s parents. Fair is fair.
Me: Mark from Boston, you’re on the air.
Therapist: You pretend to be a radio host to avoid confrontation.
M: Let’s take another call.
I always keep a water spray bottle next to my bed in case a cat burglar breaks in.
People always ask why I’m wearing a sombrero in my high school graduation pictures. Clearly, because it was my señor year.
*writes “Place sacrifice here” on baby changing station in Wal-Mart bathroom*
*has elbow pain*
*checks WebMD*
*buys a burial plot*
… and another thing, who’s responsible for non-virgin olive oil?
When I asked for some alone time, I didn’t mean when I was bringing in the groceries.
i just really want crab legs
..not to eat or anything, no, i just wanna scuttle across the floor and see who runs in terror from me
Bruce Willis is relaxing by his pool. he’s got so much sunscreen on that he slowly slides off his lounger, out of the gate & down the road
Marriage is probably the least romantic thing you can do with another person.
Anyway, congrats on your engagement!
I think Twitter is baiting me with flattery when it says, “We’ve selected a small group for feedback.”
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: is it because I won’t stop quoting Spice Girls lyrics?
Wife:
Me: please, just tell me what you want what you really really want
Kylo Ren used to complain his parents were passive aggressive.
Well, boo hoo.
My dad was actively aggressive.
Just ask my hand.
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
My husband thinks I’ve been on my phone checking the weather for the last 3500 hours
little known fact: bill nye is short for william new years eve
Pretty sure they warned us about this on the Book of Revelations.
We can’t deny our basic human instincts, like automatically thinking we kind of already know how to play the harmonica whenever we hold one.
I’m beginning to think my best chance of fame is if someone names a syndrome after me.
colleague: do u like the clown from IT?
me: nah he never fixes my computer
[First person to ride a horse]
‘I’m going to sit on that thing and I don’t care how angry it gets.’
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
me: point taken lol
guy stabbing me: yeah see that right there is why this is happening
An app that makes your phone ring whenever someone asks “so what’s next for you”
me: do you mind i can’t go with other people in the room
cellmate: buddy i don’t know what to tell you
COME ON KRUSE #fencing
[judging dog show]
DOG: [barks]
ME: [ticks clipboard] This one’s working fine
AUDIENCE MEMBER: You have misunderstood what’s required of you
Raise the bar ..?
Like, go and drink upstairs ..?