I’m like the hottest girl on this elevator.
Never mind, someone else just got on.
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Brother: Did you know a remote is 20 times dirtier than a toilet seat?
Me *licking remote*
I don’t drip caramel sauce on toilet seats.
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
“I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you and – oh sorry, wrong number.” – Liam Neeson in Mistaken
Me: Why can’t we feed the animals?
Wife: They’ll get lazy and dependent and never, ever go away.
Me: *looks warily at our kids*
5-year-old: *glares at me* My shoe doesn’t fit.
Me: You grew. How is that my fault?
5: You fed me.
[soldier dying in my arms]
“You take this & you give it to my wife.”
“No [pushes watch back to soldier] she lives really far away from me.”
It’s sad when your closest friends get remarried and you know it’ll be another 2-5 years before they’re single and ready to hang out again.
Anna: I think I’m turning into solid ice
Trolls: Sounds like it’s time for a 4-minute song and dance
Kristoff: She is literally dying
Trolls: We will deal with that AFTER the SONG
Do you ever wonder if your parents spoil your kids to get back at you for what you put them through as a teenager? Because I’m totally thinking of doing that.
If I were a rapper I’d write a lyric like “Get money, make cupcakes. Must be winter ‘cuz I be frosting,” and my pseudonym would be One-Zee.
Someone I have known for 15 years, just completely ignored me in the grocery store. This is the best day ever.
Curious that it’s always a female computer voice that calmly announces self-destruct sequences and other violent disasters.
Why don’t they make posters that go this hard anymore
I have no theories as to what the apocalypse will be like.
But I do know my kids will still be asking for snacks.
Wrestling is the only sport that gets more embarrassing when you become a professional.
son: “NO! Make me a sandwich like mommy makes it!”
I begin remaking the same sandwich, this time while drinking a bottle of wine and calling my sister-in-law to complain about my weight gain.
[very obviously being hit on]
hahaha ok well, see you around[4 days later, cutting open a cantaloupe]
wait a second
IF ANYONE EVER ASKS YOU WHAT TIME IT IS PUT ON SHADES AND SAY “ITS SHOWTIME”
Tiger Woods? Do u mean the jungle?
[After reading vows]
Me: Why are you upset?
Her:
Me: Was it the Donald-
Her: Yes, it was the Donald Duck voice.
breaking into your house and inventorying your pantry so you know what you need the next time you go to costco
I like to put a banana in each pocket just to confuse people.
I hate when I fall down the stairs without my Fitbit on.
The squirrels are quiet today. Too quiet.
Hey people who emphasize words that end in an E by stretching out that E instead of the vowel that *actually* creates the proper emphasis: I hateeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee you.
Brad Pitt might be “better looking” than me, but I am considerably fatter.
I just saw a girl hang half her body out the window of her car to give someone the finger. She is my spirit animal.